From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: The White Stripes – Fell in Love with a Girl

[Press 'Play' for the second best song in the movie...and not on the soundtrack]

Ramblings: Panty Linings Playbook

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk wearing a suit? Not the part when you talk too loud so that everyone within shouting distance knows how over the top you went and not the part when everyone can smell the sheen gleaming in the sick that streaks your lapels. No, there are those moments before everyone becomes your best friend and before you get so phony all your bars are full of reception, before you try too hard to be funny and to fall in love, moments when you are a little off kilter, a little skewed but still you feel a little more you than you’ve been in a while because you are sincere and honest enough to let the crazy out a crack and you accidentally become endearing. That’s what Silver Linings Playbook is like.

“I’m going to switch this envelope out for the one that says ‘Argo’.”

SLP is a romantic comedy that is neither, and all the better for it. You know me and if you don’t,  i’m the guy that came up with “dramantic comedy” or “drom-com” and go ahead, you can keep mocking me even after you steal that expression because that’s also the kind of guy i am. i hate romantic comedies more than i hate life itself and i only went to see this because it was nominated for an Oscar and plus the only thing easier in life than hating romantic comedies is mocking them and i’m all about the easy.

Imagine my surprise when i didn’t hate this movie. Why i didn’t is a whole ‘nother story—not really, it’s the whole story of this post and i didn’t hate the movie because it wasn’t a romantic comedy, it was a sexy shell with some serious drama deep down at the bottom, like panty liners hidden inside scanty panties. Also, the ending was happy in the movie just like panty liners are happy in their own way because it means she’s not pregnant, am i right?

“You’re so hot, and not just the sweaty kind.”

Basically i got emotionally invested in the characters here and i never do that for a movie like this unless it is this. Why? Read on, Buttercup.

The best thing about this movie were the actors and you know how sometimes you don’t know what makes a good actor because you can’t really put your finger on it? Go and see SLP for a good lesson on that. Chris “Mother” Tucker takes the role of the nutso friend and drives it straight to the place you’d expect and drops it off there without taking us anywhere. Some other guy (John Ortiz) plays the BF and you watch him going, “Yeah, he’s the BF because he’s acting the way the BF is supposed to”.

But Bradley Cooper (who is the person i will sleep with right after Eliza Dushku if i go gay) and Jennifer Lawrence (who i would sleep with first no matter what) fucking nail their characters. They play crazy perfectly because they don’t “play crazy”, they play crazy people trying to act normal which is a whole hell of a lot more realistic.

“You overpaid for your track suit, babe.”

The other good thing about this (yeah, i’ll skip the part about how De Niro finally gets his acting chops into a meatier role than he’s been served in a long time) is the director who’s some guy called David O. Russell (who also directed the fuckin’ excellent The Fighter). The cool thing about his directing is that you don’t notice it, which is what good directing is about (unless you go the other way where the directing is the best part of the movie, like Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula or Andrew Niccol’s Lord of War).

Everything comes together in this movie and chips in to elevate it above the normal level of a rom-coma and even if that doesn’t make it Oscar worthy, it still makes it worth a viewing.

Meanwhile, at the same sex marriage gala…

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

“No, that’s a roll of dimes I keep in my pocket.”

Sure, i love Jennifer Lawrence (“Tiffany” in this movie), but more importantly i like her a lot. She’s hot but she wasn’t always hot and she won’t always be hot but what she will always be is a good actress and fucking cool. For the good actress part all you have to do is watch Silver Linings Playbook to see what i mean and for the cool part check out these quotes.

Not to sound rude, but [acting] is stupid. Everybody’s like, ‘How can you remain with a level head?’ And I’m like, ‘Why would I ever get cocky? I’m not saving anybody’s life. There are doctors who save lives and firemen who run into burning buildings. I’m making movies. It’s stupid.

Or, and this is my personal favorite,

I went to the doctor today and got a chest X-ray of my lungs and discovered that my breasts are uneven! That was all I saw.

You know me (and if you don’t, my breasts are uneven too), i’m all about the investigative journalism, so let’s take a close up and personal look at this, shall we?

Jennifer Lawrence Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Like with most of the actresses, there are single shots of Jennifer in my drawers, down below. Just scroll all the way down until you hit the “Continue reading” link and then do just that.

Another wonderful actress gracing this movie is Julia Plenty of Stiles (aka “Veronica” here). i’ve liked her ever since i didn’t see her that one Heath Ledger movie (10 Things I Hate About You) but saw some Stiles stills and she was gorgeous and it was kinda like this.

Julia Stiles Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

What else is good about SLP? Here’s the blow by blow from my notes:

• [Glimpses of] Ex-wife (Nikki / Brea Bee) in the shower
• Closeups of JL’s [Jennifer Lawrence's] “necklace”, i.e. cleavage & the moles [which i've just realized is a great fucking name for a girl's band]
• Vaguely dirty talk @ restaurant: Older mature lesbian with younger girl on her lap explaining / teaching her what to do [i put this dialog down in my drawers, if you really care.]
• JL’s bare back
• JL’s dance costume rocked halter top

One of my favorite lines from the movie was more about sex than romance. This exchange is between Bradley Cooper’s character (Pat) and a guy taking advantage of Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) sexually.

Jordie
How am I being rude?

Pat
Oh, you know. You know.  Come on. Sometimes it’s  [casual sex] okay with girls like this, they wanna have fun, and sometimes it’s not okay because they got a broken wing, and they’re hurt, and they’re an easy target. And in this case, in this particular case, I think that wing is being fixed.

Silken Butterflies

i already talked about the woman naked wife in the shower in the blow by blow and her name is Brea Bee and she’s this kind of ginger hot.

Regency Boies graced us, the screen and the film with her brief yet remarkable presence as “Regina”.

Also making the film a better place to be is Samantha Gelnaw, who played Jake’s Finacée.

For those of you more into quick passes than tight ends, there was Bradley Cooper in this.

Bradley Cooper rocking the sober in the Bar None

Drink: 2½ Shots

There was tons of drinking and drink references but it didn’t ply a serious role in the movie and that’s what 2½ shots tastes like.

Here’s the blow by blow:

PAT
Danny was in for assault because of crystal meth and alcohol.

DANNY
Bad combination.

—Pat explaining to his mother why Danny was with him in the mental hospital

• BC (Bradley Cooper) brings wine bottle to dinner at Ronnie’s
• Wine @ dinner

“LOL, we’re drinking expensive champagne and you sold out for a cheap ass Bud.”

Don’t drink too much, don’t hit anybody, you’ll be fine.

—Pat Sr. (Robert De Niro) giving his son advice before a football game

• Beer @ tailgate [party]
• JL swigs Bud after putting De Niro in his place
• White alcohol on ice @ Xmas
• Chris Whatsisname [Tucker] drinking Bud at formal dance recital
• When JL is stressed she marches straight to the bar, pounds on it, and asks for a vodka. Then a guy offers her another one.
• Champagne on the table at the dance contest

Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots

It’s not my fault everything is 2½ shots, talk to the movie. i went 2½ here because the soundtrack has some really cool songs (two White Stripes jams, and even some Zeppelin!) but not all of the songs are on the OST, so don’t buy it without checking it out closely first.

Some guy way cooler than me over at a real blog called Indiewire put together a complete list of all the songs in the movie, not just the ones on the soundtrack.

A cool song on both, which is not necessarily rock and roll, is “Girl from the North Country” by Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins, Norman Blake, W.S. Holland & Marshall Grant.

The Waiting Room at the Wig Salon

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Matthew Quick (novel “The Silver Linings Playbook”)
David O. Russell (screenplay)

The short bus just got shorter

Directed by: David O. Russell

Starring

Jennifer Lawrence – Tiffany
Jacki Weaver – Dolores
Julia Stiles – Veronica
Brea Bee – Nikki
Regency Boies – Regina
Samantha Gelnaw – Jake’s Fiancée
Bradley Cooper – Pat
Robert De Niro – Pat Sr.
Chris Tucker – Danny
Anupam Kher – Dr. Cliff Patel
John Ortiz – Ronnie

Bottom Line

Great date movie because it’s almost a great movie.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

It’s all over but the photos (and a quick script excerpt). Read on only if you don’t want to read on, but prefer to look instead.

Jennifer Lawrence

“Holy shit! My boobs are uneven!”

“But they’re still thumbs up.”

Jennifer Lawrence in the Bar None

PAT
Can I ask you one more question? Were there any women?

TIFFANY
Yes.

PAT
Really?

TIFFANY
Yes.

PAT
What was that like?

TIFFANY
Hot.

 PAT
Jesus Christ. Was it like…older women, a sexy teacher who wants to seduce you—

TIFFANY
Made me sit on her lap and do things? Yeah.

PAT
What? You sat on her lap?

TIFFANY
Mm-hmm.

PAT
She told you what to do?

TIFFANY
Mm-hmm.

PAT
Oh…my God. Nikki hated when I talked like this. Made me feel like such a pervert. Maybe we should change the subject.

Julia Stiles (who apparently is often cold)

Julia Stiles in the Bar None

Julia Stiles in the Bar None live:

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Here’s how real this just got…. Argo, the movie Amitis Frances Ariano starred in, won the Academy Award’s Oscar for Best Picture and i’m thinking the award is due in large part to the participation of this actress that we here at the Bar None scored an exclusive interview with. Read on, believe it, then thank me later.

[AlKHallism: All photos link to Amitis Frances Ariano's IMDB page.]

From Amitis’s mouth to your ears: The Verve – Bittersweet Symphony

[Press 'Play' for a song that comes straight from Amitis's dance card]

Let’s just take a moment to appreciate the pot luck that is my life. Not only do i get to see a movie as good as Argo but then i’m fortunate enough to interview not just one but two of the actresses in this Oscar nominated film, and to top all that off they both are as sweet as they are talented and beautiful. i got so much luck spilling out of me, i’m about to get some of it on you.

Amitis Frances Ariano plays a Persian Dancer in Argo and she did this so well she was even the poster child for the film, meaning she herself is on the poster to the whole freaking movie. Who else can you say that about? OK, who else can you say that about not including Ben Affleck? That Amitis would be so generous as to appear on the poster and still stop by the Bar None despite how famous she’s becoming (and she’s very becoming, believe you me), blows the mind, beats the heart and saves the soul.

Sit back and enjoy the ride of her life.

There i was, feeling guilty in the court of public opinion, my development arrested, about to throw up on the mercy of the courting when an angel of mercy came to my defense. Amitis Ariano international defense attorney, stellar actress and beautiful human being both inside and out stood before me.

“Amitis! You’ve got to help me. i’ll do whatever it takes for you to get on my case.”

i pleaded innocently with her, presented my defenses and begged her to examine my briefs. Finally she agreed to an interview where she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Al K Hall: Now that you’re my official councilor, i need to know what i should call you. “Amitis Frances Ariano” is hugely beautiful but kinda long. Where does it come from?

Amitis Frances Ariano: My name is Persian from the time of Great Persian Empire. My mom wanted me to have a pure Persian name so she named me after Amitis, who was queen of the Persian Achaemenid Empire and the daughter of Astiak (Shāh of Mād, the Median King), wife of Cyrus the Great (the 1st Persian Emperor and the writer of the first declaration of human rights in the globe, named the “Cyrus Cylinder”).

Al K Hall: You’re lucky, my name just means “booze”.

Amitis: My mom also loved Princess Diana so named me Frances, as it was Princess Diana’s middle name.

Al K Hall:  Yeah, my parents just loved booze. Do you have a nickname?

Amitis: I’ve got many nicknames my friends create for themselves, but the majority of people call me “Amitis” because, after all, that is my name.

Al K Hall: True ‘dat. So, Amitis, I see you live in Southern California.

Amitis: I was born in Los Angeles and grew up in Calabasas, CA.

Al K Hall: Calabadass! What a cool name! Do you have fun in Calabadass?

Amitis: I always have fun, no matter what I do.

Al K Hall: If i looked like you, i would too. But what’s your secret? [AlKHallism: These interviews work better if we don't pay too close attention to my questions.]

Amitis: All my friends will say that I’m definitely one of the most fun people you’ll ever come across. But I keep it classy, as every lady should.

Al K Hall: Tell that to Lindsay Lohan. What do you do on a boring evening?

Amitis: Ever since I started law school, there is so much work and reading that you have no choice but to sit and read the books one at a time. The material is not boring, but when you have to read and do all this work, your freedom is taken from you, so I guess it could be boring.

Al K Hall: Kinda like you’re condemned to Law School. Doesn’t sound like much of a party.

Amitis and Princess Yogi

Amitis: Law school changes you. All the things you were able to do on a daily basis no longer exist so, on those rare evenings, I either go out or stay home and relax with my beautiful princess Yogi (my dog).

[Here's a tune Amitis picked from the juiced-box and dedicated to Princess Yogi: Maxi Priest - Wild World]

Al K Hall: Are you leaning towards prosecutor or defender? Give ‘em the key or throw it away?

Amitis: My passion is to practice criminal law. Criminal defense is my heart’s passion, but the District Attorney is the one with the power, and what I seek in life is Power, not money. Regardless of where the road takes me, or where I start, I will finish with criminal defense!

Al K Hall: Sounds good to me—i’d rather have you on my team than against it. But can you act and lawyer at the same time?

Amitis: I would love to be both (famous actress and lawyer), but right now I choose to pursue law school. I am dreamer and don’t want to limit myself to just one goal, but I have to focus on pursuing one goal at a time so I choose to first complete law school. Education has a higher priority for me above all else. What is beauty without brains?

Al K Hall: That was exactly my next question. How do you deal with being more beautiful and smarter than pretty much everyone on the planet?

Amitis: Ha ha, thank you! I want to be known for something. I want to be an influential person, a positive role model for others to follow.

Al K Hall: I’d follow you anywhere. Even if you were a lawyer.

Amitis: Talk to me in about 2 more years and then you can call me a lawyer, after I pass the bar.

Al K Hall: The Bar should be a cinch, you should see some of the crap i’ve passed. It’s a date, though! i’ll be here 2 years from now and i’ll call you whatever you want me to. Even a cab. Which reminds me, what’s something i wouldn’t know about you until i got drunk with you?

Amitis: I don’t get drunk, so what you see is what you get.

Al K Hall: Whao! Just like me. Except with me, what you get is usually contagious. But tell me something i don’t know.

Amitis: I have a big heart… I’m a big dreamer with lots of determination and compassion. I also really care about those who are less fortunate, disabled and those who are suffering.

Al K Hall: That’s true, I did not know that. Hold on a sec, i’ve got just the right tunes for this.

[Press 'Play' for mood music]

Al K Hall: Cool, go ahead.

Amitis: Prior to law school, I used to feed the homeless frequently. I would make little lunch bags filled with water, burgers, chips, cookies, candy, fruits, gum, French fries and I would drive around for hours and find homeless people and give them food. The impact that I had on their lives was the best feeling in the world. They would cry and were so thankful and shocked to see someone young as myself, just doing an act of kindness and taking the time to feed them. The best part of it all was when they would tell me that what I did gave them hope and restored their faith, and showed them that good people really do exist. My purpose here on earth is to help those and to give back to those who need me.

Al K Hall: And i need you now more than ever. Just like i need you to tell me about how you got your foot in the acting door.

Amitis: I always wanted to pursue acting, but I never really gave it a try. I did a lot when I was younger, and was offered to be on a TV show on the Disney channel. It was an amazing opportunity but my parents ended up getting a divorce at the exact time this came my way. As time progressed, I just put all my focus into school and did exceptionally well. I put off acting but it has always remained a big interest that is still with me today.

Al K Hall: i saw you’re studying acting at the Playhouse West Acting School in Hollywood…

Amitis: Playhouse West was amazing! Jeff Goldblum was the one the founders of it and you have actors who started there from Ashley Judd, to James Franco, to Jim Carrey, Michelle Pfeiffer and the list could go on.

Al K Hall: If you see Michelle, could you ask her if she dropped the charges? Wait! You’re an almost lawyer! You could go give her a writ and—

Amitis: —Unfortunately, my time was cut short for I was only there for exactly one month! I got accepted to Law School and had to make a decision, pursue acting or law school? I made the right choice.

Al K Hall: Was that after you got the role of “Persian Dancer” in Argo?

Amitis: This is where it gets interesting.

Al K Hall: Uhm, meaning?

Amitis: Argo just magically fell into my lap, out of nowhere. I had no agent at the time and was taking my sister for an audition. I wasn’t planning on even taking my sister, but my mom told me to go and take my picture. So I listened, and I’m so happy I did.

[Another of Amitis's selections from the juiced-box: U2 - Beautiful Day]

Al K Hall: You should always listen to your mother.

Amitis: I arrive there and it was like a zoo, filled with tons and tons of people. This was an audition  for all Middle Eastern girls. So I take my sister, and I just leave my picture. Three days later, I get a call from a lady and it was the best phone call I have ever received in my life. She tells me that “Ben Affleck himself choose you out of all the hundreds of girls to play in his movie.”  I was beyond ecstatic when I heard that he choose me to play in his movie!

Al K Hall: Hell, if you ask me, he’s the lucky one.

Amitis: I went to Warner Brothers the next day, and went for the costume fitting. I was to portray Ornella Muti, who was voted #1 sexiest sci-fi actress/costume.

Al K Hall: Babe, anything you wear would be voted sexiest costume.

Amitis: I actually turned down the part at first because the costume was a bit too sexy, and got a phone call back saying that “Ben only wants you to play this part”, so I took it.

Al K Hall: So who was there to appreciate the sexy?

Amitis: My scene was with Ben Affleck and John Goodman. It started at the rooftop of the Beverly Hilton Hotel and if you look in the trailer, I am walking Ben inside the hotel. John Goodman is very funny guy, has the “I don’t give a shit” kind of attitude. I would say he’s kind of the typical Hollywood Star, nothing special about him. He was kind of an asshole to some people.

Ben Affleck and the producer came up to me on the second day of filming and handed me a script which consisted of about 6 lines that they wanted me to speak. I had about 15 minutes to look it over and my speaking scene was with John Goodman.

Al K Hall: Watch out, i heard he can be kind of an asshole.

Amitis: I was so nervous when the camera came to me. There were over 100 people in the room, with Ben and John and the producer and everyone else just staring into the camera that was on me. I spoke my lines back and forth with John and the robot you see in the poster and two other characters. However, during filming I messed up the continuity in that I kept switching my gold snake from my left to right arm, which was why my speaking scene didn’t make the cut. What can you do? You live and you learn.

Al K Hall: Ain’t that the truth. All the things i’ve lived, you’d think i’d have learned by now. But enough about me. What about Ben?

Amitis: I adore Ben Affleck!

Al K Hall: i bet he hears that a lot.

Amitis: He is such an amazing, kind, and humble man. He came up to me and introduced himself (as if I didn’t know who he was!), shook my hand asked me a few questions about myself.

Al K Hall: Kinda like i’m doing here. Well, except for the “amazing, kind and humble” part.

Amitis: That man is brilliant, hard working, creative and really just perfect. I am so lucky to have had such an amazing experience with him. He knows what he wants, how he wants it. He was very precise in the way he wanted things done.

Al K Hall: Wasn’t he always in your face, telling you what to do?

Amitis: The beautiful thing about his style (besides himself) is that he is very open, did not give any direction to me and just had everything flow naturally. He was so sweet! He was business and put fun into it and just so real, that’s very rare today in Hollywood…to find someone as genuine and down to earth as him.

Al K Hall: Did you get to hang with him?

Amitis: I was also lucky because I was in the same trailer as Ben and John for the preparation of filming every day. I had the same stylist they had and got to have my hair and makeup done the same time they did, too, while everyone else was in the hotel. It was amazing!

Al K Hall: Speaking of amazing, you also appear on one of the posters! How did you find out?

Amitis is on the left (no, your other left)

Amitis: I had no idea they were going to put me on the poster. I was so shocked! I was in law school when I found out. One of my friends posted a picture of the poster on my Facebook and said that it was right outside their work! I was so excited that they picked me to be on it! I found the poster online and have it framed in my house

Al K Hall: Did you keep any souvenirs of the shoot?

Amitis: Yes, I kept the robe I was wearing over my outfit and I recorded everything on my phone, from pictures to the filming, which I was not allowed to release till after the movie aired.

Al K Hall: You should’ve kept the costume, if you ask me…and i can tell from your expression that you’re most definitely not. How many times have you seen Argo?

Amitis: I only saw Argo once because I was in Law School and had exams coming up, but I will see it again. I was actually with one of my criminal defense attorneys friends when I saw it. I was disappointed that my speaking scene was cut out. But I always dreamed of seeing myself on the big screen and my dream ended up coming true.

Al K Hall: Like me talking to you right now! So what’s the next step?

Amitis: Argo inspired me to pursue acting. I got an agent after that and starting acting school at Play House West, sadly I only got a month to try it but I’ll come back to it one day.

Al K Hall: When you do, what’s the best way for a director or a casting agent to contact you?

Amitis: I am going to pursue Acting when my first year of law school ends, and the best way to contact me is through the information provided on IMDB.

Al K Hall: What message do you have for your many fans?

Amitis: Never give up on a dream! Never let any obstacle in life bring you down. Have faith, believe in yourself, pray (power of prayer is amazing) and have a good heart. There is no such thing as impossible, whatever you truly desire, if you put the work and effort into it, it will come true.

Al K Hall: Yeah, that attitude is gonna come in handy during the Bar None Questionnaire. You know what they say, if you can’t beat them, buy a bigger club. So, what’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Amitis: I used to like whiskey, however I do not drink anymore. I don’t mind a glass of wine once in a while.

Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?

Amitis: Don’t remember.

Al K Hall: Wow, lucky you! Do you smoke?

Amitis: No.

Al K Hall: Do you swear? A lot?

Amitis: I don’t like to swear.

Al K Hall: Most importantly, what’s your opinion of teetotalers?

Amitis: I have a lot of respect for teetotalers. They are the clever ones because drinking only brings you down, makes you do things you would not do normally, affects your health and causes you to loose control. I’m all for “teetotalers”.

Al K Hall: And we’re all for you, Amitis!

If i was a fat lady, i’d be singing all over the place because this interview is sadly over. Now’s a great time to tell you what you knew all along, that Amitis and i did not meet in a courtroom or anywhere else. This whole interview was done through emails and i fiddled with my bits to make them look more realistic but i left Amitis’s words exactly as she sent them to me because why mess with perfection?

Many are called but few answer when they realize it’s me, so i really want to thank Amitis for her time and effort in putting up with my bullshit. i caught her in the middle of her legal midterm finals and the holiday season and she took time off from both of these to waste it with me, sharing this part of herself with you. She’s a totally professional young lady and i wish her the very best in her studies and the long career that awaits her in whatever path she chooses.

[Another song Amitis picked from the juiced-box and dedicated to her future: The Temptations (with Diana Ross & The Supremes): Ain't No Mountain High Enough]

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

Ramblings: Liberating

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a Gran? Before you even get there you start to worry because she’s old and you know you’re going to get more bored than a teetotaler on Spring Break in Cancun where what happens in Cancun stays in your subconscious but you’ve decided you’re going to do this so you load up and sit down. She’s nice enough at the beginning, well-mannered and elegant and as she gets her buzz on you start to get into her and her stories because she’s a damn good story teller and the stories she tells are interesting as are the people that populate them and then she hits her groove and you can’t help it, you’re getting turned on so you commit and get a lot deeper into her than you ever thought you would so by the time it’s over you’re happy, sweaty and more than a little amazed. That’s the way it was with Lincoln.

“I can’t wait until electricity is invented.”

• The history is interesting but i know how it ends
• Nice from a movie making point of view but not extraordinary
• Made politics remotely interesting
• It doesn’t get better, but my appreciation of it does
• A deeply American film, and i’m deeply American
• i’m not sure the assassination added to the film. It’s not a biopic of his whole life after all.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

After putting on her dress, Mary Todd realized she had to pee again.

Sex:

• Sally Fields undressing to nightgown

Drink:

It’s a hundred miles to Richmond. Get him drunk so he can sleep.

-Holbrook’s wife to the servant putting him in a stagecoach

“Please put your urine sample on the table, James Spader.”

• Robert California [James Spader--his role in The Office was 'Robert California' and i couldn't remember his real name while i was taking notes during the movie] drinks beer in a pub talking about getting dem[ocrat] support
• Beer in a pub with planning
• TLJ [Tommy Lee Jones] drinks whiskey in kitchen [during a] secret meeting with Lincoln
• Lincoln offers Yeaman [!] a drink
• A bottle of beer in the house

Rock & Roll: 

• War fought with bayonets and fists

The Last of the Abe Lincolns

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Doris Kearns Goodwin (book), Tony Kushner (screenplay)

Directed by: Steven Spielberg

Starring

Daniel Day-Lewis – Abraham Lincoln

Sally Field – Mary Todd Lincoln

David Strathairn – William Seward

Joseph Gordon-Levitt – Robert Lincoln

James Spader – W.N. Bilbo

Hal Holbrook – Preston Blair

Tommy Lee Jones – Thaddeus Stevens

“I’ll just hold this pose–call the sculptor for my memorial.”

Bottom Line

Are you kidding? It has a character called “Yeaman”, of course you should see it.

Another Round

The Rod takes a swing at Lincoln

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Skrillex – Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites

[Press 'Play' for some moody music to read by]

You know what? And i know you don’t else i wouldn’t have asked, Spring Broke early in Yeaman so i got to see the goodies weeks before any Yanks. This is to make up for the fact we got Django Unchained months late. Anyway, read this and weep or get wet another way while checking out the screen shots i got.

Yes, i did get a new phone, thanks for noticing.

Ramblings: One Hot Spring

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a popcorn bowl full of Gummi Bears? Sure they’re good and even give your buzz a buzz cuz of all the extra sugar but the problem is you can’t stop eating them just like you can’t stop drinking and you realize there is such a thing as too much of a good thing especially when both of them together don’t mix but make you a little sick to your stomach so you sit there uncomfortably on your stool trying to hide your spontaneous erection with a cock-tail napkin that’s a layer too small while you fight not to throw up all at the same time. That’s exactly what Spring Breakers was like.

Jail Bait

To help put this movie in perspective for y’all, take a look at the poster up top. See the babe bent over in the pink hair? She’s 26 years old and married to a 40-year old guy…who also directed this movie. Yep, that’s where this movie is hardly coming from.

There is a reason oil and water, whiskey and firearms, or Debs at a Barely Legal convention don’t mix and Spring Breakers is it because it tries to be both a serious coming of age tale and a T&A flick but just ends up being a seriously aged coming again and again film without enough flick of her tale. Harmony Korine (the 40-year old director who brazenly ignores the “½ your age + 7″ rule) tried to make Scarface meets The Hangover but instead of getting the art of Scarface and the humor of The Hangover, what he threw up on screen had the comedy of Scarface and the artistry of The Hangover.

Franco finds his dentist

But what about the actresses, you ask, you curious sins of the bitches you. They were hot if you like the finely toned, perfectly honed, willingly boned teenage girl prancing around in her bikini type but let’s face it, if Selena Gomez could act, we’d of heard about it by now. If Vanessa Hudgens was an actress, she’d have acted in Sucker Punch. If Ashley Whatshername was talented, i’d remember her last name. They were more than pretty enough for you to see the flick just for their skin as long as you don’t expect anything more, because booty is skin deep. And so is Spring Breakers.

Practice makes perfect

This was so obvious that even the Harmony (who’s a guy despite his name) realized it so he tried to edit the film around their gaps in talent but the gaps were so big the style devices (flash forwards, repeating scenes, odd lighting, extreme closeups, blurry lenses…) became the movie and looked like he was a drunk little boy who’d just discovered the effects panel on Windows Movie Maker.

The final word? An artistic movie about near teens in bikinis going gangster looks great on paper…just not on the screen

Shitting Bricks

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

Not a big surprise here, i know. What do you want, they parade the babes in their early 20′s in their bikinis for the whole fucking movie. Not just a lot of the fucking movie, the whole fucking movie. The actresses no doubt caught all kind of colds and shit during the filming but i don’t care what diseases they have because, like a Pokémon, i wanna to catch them all.

Wow, check out her jug!

FYI, there was too much hot for this one post so the individual shots of the actresses are smoldering over at The Girls From SPRING BREAKERS post.

i’m gonna start off with a mystery. IMDB lists the stellar Heather Morris as “Bess”, but i  didn’t recognize her anywhere in this movie. Maybe if one of y’all spot her you could leave a comment on where she was hanging out, other than right here because i don’t care if i could find her in the film as long as i could locate her in the Bar None.

Heather Morris Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be some drawer shots of her at the bottom of the post. Just scroll all the way down to where it says “Continue reading…” and then click.

Before i show some more skin, here’s the blow by blow:

• Opening credits is hot girls in bikinis drinking beer
• Slo-mo big breasts shaking while guys pour beer on them close-up.
• Lots of topless
• Vanessa [Hudgens] simulating fellatio
• Blonde neighbor girl. Platinum short hair. [Actually, this might be Heather Morris]
• Girls exchange kiss hits of grass
• Count money in their bras

This money makes my pussy wet. It makes my tits look bigger.

• Girls peeing together

• Coke off a flat chested girl’s naked tattooed body
• 3 way in the pool, Franco, Ashley & VH [Vanessa Hudgens], girl on girl kisses [this was a super hot scene]
• glimpses of VH topless
• André with 3 [naked] women in bed & they’re chubby chubby
• France gives head to a gun

What happens in my lap, stays in my lap

Here, then are the girls. Like i said, the solo shots of them are located in a different post, but here are the Wallpapers.

Selena Gomez Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Ashley Benson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

There were Butterflies a-plenty flitting across the silver screen all too briefly and i was only able to net three of them.

Emma Holzer rocked the role of “Heather”…

Cait Taylor sparkled as “Tiffany”…

And i don’t know how the Oscar committee could have overlooked Lauren Vera’s incarnation of “Spring Breaker”…

For those of you more into Spring than Bounce, there was James Franco. Kind of.

That moment you realize the poster teeth are better than yours

James Franco Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Drink: 4 Shots

Dudes. It’s a movie about Spring Break. The sole remaining vestige of a Roman orgy. How could there not be booze?

Fairy Tails

• Beer
• Drinking contest where guys “pee beer” from a can into babes’ mouths
• Whiskey squirt gun, home alone in the evening (Ashley)
• SG [Selena Gomez] smoking
• [Girl] passed out in bathroom with puke filled toilet

I’m not drunk enough for that.

• Champagne bottle on the piano outside

i’ll take one to go, please.

Rock & Roll: ½ Shot

Are you kidding me? The soundtrack had a lot of shit by some act called Skillrex or something and that guys knows as much about rock as he does hair styling. There may have been some pretty decent rap but for the most part, the OST was pretty lame.

DangeRuss Slumming It

What did not make the soundtrack, however, was a cute moment when Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens sing “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)” a capella while drinking.

What was less cute was James Franco rapping, but this doesn’t mean he didn’t do a good job. i thought he held his own, and i should know, i’m kind of the expert on that. But you be the judge.

[Press 'Play' for James Franco rapping with DangeRuss - Hangin' with da Dope Boys]

Unrapping

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Harmony Korine

Find Waldo

Directed by: Harmony Korine

Starring

Selena Gomez – Faith
Ashley Benson – Brit
Vanessa Hudgens – Candy
Rachel Korine – Cotty
Heather Morris – Bess
Lauren Vera – Spring Breaker
Emma Holzer – Heather
Cait Taylor – Tiffany
James Franco – Alien

Bottom Line

Let’s be honest. Four hot nearly jailbait girls getting drunk in bikinis and shooting people is not a good idea for a movie–it’s a good idea for a religion.

Another Round

You think this was bad, you should check out…

Booze Revooze of SUCKER PUNCH

Booze Revooze of PIRANHA 3D

The Girls of Spring Breakers in the Bar None

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s the review done. If you’re still not and want to see pics of Heather Morris, click on. If you want to see pics of the other lead actresses, i keep them in a whole ‘nother drawer.

Heather Morris in the Bar None

Heather Morris in the Bar None

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Did you see the date on the poster? March 22, Barmaids and Beerhounds. And what day did i post this bad boy? March 20. Once again they decided to throw this up here in Yeaman before serving it up to a real public. Here’s the screen shot i took with my camera because i know you don’t trust me.

Ramblings: Die Hardly

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk at a family reunion? It’s always the same relatives like the stoic ex-cop uncle who drinks almost as much as you and he walks heavily like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders when in fact it’s just his huge fucking head, and then you have the standup dad who has a ton of responsibility but smiles shitloads and whatever happens you can be sure he’ll be the one to say grace before you can try the jello shots and over there you have your crazy sister’s latest psycho foreign boyfriend (she just won’t do domestic) who gets fucked up on import ale laced with meth and he starts threatening grandma with a spork until vet cop uncle and pastor dad beat him up then talk him down with too much talk and too much down because even if it was fun at the beginning when the fucker went whack, the rest of the evening is just a lot of drunken boring ass chat and you remember too late that every fucking family reunion is exactly like this and you make a mental note never to put yourself through this shit again but you’ll forget once more as soon as someone mentions free beer. That’s what you’ll be thinking after you see Olympus Has Fallen.

“Do you want to put the ‘secret’ back in the ‘service’, Timmy?”

I’m going to tell you a secret nobody wants you to know. OHF is a remake of the first Die Hard.

How does OHF measure up? Not anywhere near as good as the first Die Hard, but streaks in your underwear ahead of the A Good Day to Die Hard.

The problem is that, ironically enough, it starts off  kind of good, like A Good Day To Die Hard because when they do the action it really rocks and rocks hard. But then they decide there aren’t enough clichés (*cough* troubled marriage *cough*) and so they have to go back and it takes a long time for Antoine “Fuck ya” Fuqua to put all of them in (here are some high fives in the control room for you) and he’s so worried about inserting every single last fucking cliché (patriotic speech at the end, anyone?)  he can find that he totally forgets to include some good shit, too.

Hates it when they wax the front porch

You know how good movie reviewers have started talking about different parts of movies? Well, i’m not good enough to do that yet but i can say without spoiling anything that there are 3 parts and the 2nd one where they take over the White House is cool as fucking hell. Before that? If you want to have a pee and a popcorn and arrive 10 minutes late you won’t miss anything. Seriously, how long does it take to set up what we already know is going to happen because it’s on the fucking poster!?

“As soon as it’s safe, turn around.”

After they take over the White House and Butler has to go all John McClane on everybody’s ass, “Fuckya” decides he wants to throw more WTF moments than you can count into the mix but i’m not going to go into that here because they include spoilers. Suffice to say, if you want to go home early and read more of my blog, do it—there’s at least as much shit here as there is in the film.

“No, Ma’am, you don’t understand. It’s not harassment if you’re ugly.”

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Yeah, there was nothing resembling anything sexual in this movie. The closest we get is Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan (Melissa Leo) in a silk underthing over her bra.

Oppa Gangbang Style

Other than that, there are some very beautiful women in the movie, but it’s an “action” movie which means men just want to watch other men get hot and sweaty and wrestle with other.

But you know me, and if you don’t i’m the one who invented donner pizza, i’m all about the soft side of life so let’s get started off on that foot right away with both of Radha Mitchell’s soft sides.

Radha Mitchell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

She has the coolest beauty marks on her neck, swear to god. If you want more proof of that, there’s some single shots of her down below in my drawers, just scroll to the end of the post and you’ll find ‘em lingering there.

There was also the delicious Angela Basset who played a politician type of woman but i didn’t care about that as much as i cared about this.

Angela Basset Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s drawer shots of her as well.

Rounding things up, way up, is Ashley Judd who plays the First Lady and when you see these shots, you’ll see why she comes First. Although you probably will. Anyway, get a fill of her here because she’s not in the movie as much as you’d like.

Ashley Judd Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i also stuffed my drawers with some single shots of her down below, too.

Silken Butterflies

Making an all too brief appearance as “Nurse” is the always lovely Amber Dawn Landrum, who is always as lovely as this:

Not to mention the amazing Malana Lea, who played Lim, and she was. See?

Drink: 0

Not a drop.

Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots

Like i already said, there was lots of cool rock and roll action for the fight scene but before and after that there was just a lot of nothing. And absolutely no rock in the soundtrack. Not even the mandatory single during the credits. The one cliché i don’t mind so much…

“Sorry, sir, your arm is falling off. Let me get that for you.”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Creighton Rothenberger & Katrin Benedikt

Directed by: Antoine Fuqua

Starring

Angela Bassett – Secret Service Director Lynn Jacobs
Melissa Leo – Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan
Radha Mitchell – Leah
Malana Lea – Lim
Amber Dawn Landrum – Nurse
Gerard Butler – Mike Banning
Aaron Eckhart – President Benjamin Asher
Finley Jacobsen – Connor
Dylan McDermott – Forbes
Rick Yune – Kang
Morgan Freeman – Speaker Trumbull

Bottom Line

If you gotta see it, leave after they kill the South Korean President. If you don’t gotta see it, watch Die Hard instead.

Another Round

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s it for the text, nothing left now but pictures of the hotties.

Angela Basset

Radha Mitchell

Radha Mitchell hot in the Bar None

Ashley Judd

Ashley Judd in the Bar None

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From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Four Horsemen – Back In Business Again

[Press 'Play' for some fuckers back for another round]

i got lucky again, if “lucky” means seeing this one day before it was released in the States. If it doesn’t mean that, then i got whatever the word for seeing it in Yeaman first is.

Here’s the shots off my cell phone as proof.

Ramblings: G.I. Joe: Retail Nation

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a pizza delivery guy? He shows up on time and decides to come in and have a brew with you and he’s only just a kid but cool enough and after all he did bring the fucking pizza. Sure, all he did was bring what you ordered but how often have you ordered a pizza and they get the order wrong and it’s got pineapple or fish or some shit on it or they bring it way too late or sometimes they don’t even bring it at all? At least this guy really brings it. He brings the pizza and it’s not an awesome pizza, hell, it’s not even a great pizza and it’s not like they surprise you with extra ingredients or a hot delivery chick or free beer, you get just what you ordered and you ordered what you wanted so you end up getting what you wanted which is more than you can say for a lot of drunk pizza delivery guys. G.I. Joe: Retaliation is exactly like that pizza: simple fare but fare enough.

Cue Ball + Crystal Ball = 2 big balls

Yeah, i hesitated between 2½ and 3 shots but i decided to round up for a couple reasons. Like i didn’t expect much and i wasn’t disappointed, which actually doesn’t always happen. Like with The Expendables, i went expecting a basic action movie and i saw an ugly chick flick.

It’s simple, when i see an action movie i want rock and roll, special effects, and action. Lots of fucking action. G.I. Joe: Retaliation delivers all of that. Nothing more, but what they delivered is fulfilling enough that i left satisfied.

The story was easy to follow and didn’t need tons of talk to set it up. The costumes and sets were often kind of cool, the fight scenes weren’t boring and there were enough of them, the actors were above average for the genre, and the special effects didn’t look too fake.

Street Fighter flashback, anyone?

Some things were hard to swallow, of course. Like the code names these poor Joes are stuck with are downright embarrassing. i can’t imagine the shame of the G.I. Joe cotillion when people have to walk around with name tags that say, “Roadblock”, “Firefly” or “Storm Shadow”. A couple of WTF moments left a bad taste in my mouth (Welshman Jonathan Pryce as President of the United States? A country where the President can replace his entire staff with Nazis over night and everyone obeys with 100% commitment simly because he’s the President?) but this is a pizza movie so i’m not gonna bitch because i can’t have my cake and eat it, too.

An Welsh president? Only in America

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

Yes, there was a slather (yes it’s a word, it’s spelled s-l-a-t-h-e-r) of Silken Butterflies and Elodie Yung is French so that’s another bonus point but the 2 shots here is all Adrianne Palicki (as “Lady Jaye”). While i was looking up pictures of her for this post, i saw her progress from this cute young woman who posed in provocative pics to launch (among other things) her career and then i saw she’s been in more doomed pilots than a gay World War II Flying Ace. Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Robinsons: Lost In Space…

“My 3rd eye mole is up here.”

That she’s beautiful is obvious but watching her on screen i saw a natural charm and a down to earth spark that lit me up. She was born in fucking Toleda, for chrissake. Is she the girl next door? Don’t fuckin’ know, but she can sure as shit act like it and she’s an actress, after all, so if she’s good enough to act like she is then i’m buying into the myth conception.

Starting with this.

Adrianne Palick Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s tons more single shots of her down in my drawers. Just keep scrolling down until you hit my pay dirty.

Plus like i already said, Elodie Yung was in this as Jinx and she’s so cute she could be French. Because she is. Plus she’s Elodie Yung, which she is too. This is what i mean.

Elodie Yung Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s more shots of her in my drawers with Adrianne down there. ↓

Silken Butterflies

There was a slather (see? would i have used it twice if it wasn’t a real word?) of lovely ladies who were in the movie just long enough to wet our…whistles and to leave us wanting more.

First up are the amazing Joanna Leeds and Elana Justin who both star as interns.

Joanna Leeds

Elana Justin

Then there was the incredible Tiffany Lonsdale who appeared as the “British Expert”.

Tiffany Lonsdale in the Bar None

Finally, is the tragically uncredited Brittney Alger who played the pivotal role of Bartender #1.

Is she not adorable? i’ma hit her up for an interview to make up for the fact she was uncredited in the movie. i’ll give her credit where credit is due, ‘swhat i’m saying.

Here’s the blow by blow of the sex in the movie:

• She [Adrianne Palicki] bends over in shorts, half jogging shirt & she’s fit
• Her [Adrianne Palicki] in a red dress changing out of it into t-shirt with sexy black lingerie [while Flint watches her by her reflection in a TV screen]

Not enough sex on TV

• Her [Adrianne Palicki] in jeans from behind. Oh my…

Drink: 0 Shots

How do you know it’s PG-13? We toast with water.

Square this one away and get me a beer.

–The short-lived Duke to a subordinate concerning a nuclear missile after a mission

• Champagne at presidential roast

“When I stand up, you’ll get the bottle back again.”

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

The action was good and a couple times it was even semi-original which was way more than i could’ve hoped for.

Add to that a decently hard soundtrack by some guy named Henry Jackman, plus the song at the top and now this one that came in during the credits. The Heavy – How You Like Me Now

[Press 'Play' for how you like me now]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick

Directed by: Jon M. Chu

Helmets with Spit Guards

Starring

Adrianne Palicki – Jaye
Elodie Yung – Jinx
Joanna Leeds – Intern
Elana Justin – Intern
Tiffany Lonsdale – British Expert
Brittney Alger – Bartender #1 (uncredited)
Dwayne Johnson – Roadblock
Jonathan Pryce – President
Byung-hun Lee – Storm Shadow
Ray Stevenson – Firefly
D.J. Cotrona – Flint
Channing Tatum – Duke

Bottom Line

Basic meat lovers pizza: a little cheesy but not totally tasteless.

Another Round

Booze Revooze: MI: GHOST PROTOCOL

Booze Revooze: THE EXPENDABLES

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

The text is done and so am i. It’s late and i’ve been power putting this together to get it ready for a same-day posting so i’ll shut up now and give you the photos of the ladies and nothing else.

Adrianne Palicki

Adrianne Palicki in the Bar None

Elodie Yung

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Wait, the poster says May 3 and this was posted April 25? Yep, once again Yeaman caught some action before y’all in the United States. What, you don’t believe me? That kind of attitude is exactly why i take these shitty photos on my phone and make them into a child’s school-made Mother’s Day card collage.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Hit House – Basalt

[Press 'Play' for some instrumental rock]

Iron Man Crack House

Ramblings: A Little Rusty

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk in a tux? You feel like hot shit when you put it on and you strut around feeling invincible and a lot of that feeling comes from the drink and you think you’re better than you are at first until the booze bears down on you and the night wears down on you too like you wear the suit and with every sip you feel the feeling slip away until it’s all over and you stand there naked and feel like the suit, polished on the outside, empty in the inside, all package and little soul. That’s kinda what Iron Man 3 is like.

The first thing i gotta say is, i hate reruns of Christmas episodes in the summer more than i hate just about anything and by that i mean i would rather have Justin Bieber crawl his way up into my ass, claw his way through my bowels and slide out my mouth than watch A Very Special Holiday Episode of Dexter. Like Die Hard, Iron Man 3 is a Christmas movie and i’m not even shitting you. It’s a Christmas movie released in April / May and i have no idea what the fuck to make of that so i’m just going to pretend it isn’t happening and kick the review off right now.

Is that a suit or a new Baskin Robins flavor?

There was a lot of good here and i’ll start with that because you know how i feel about Robert Downey Jr, which is the same i feel about every mother fucker who led one hell of a fucked up life and then went sober and held it together and is watching the promises come true while at the same time being true to himself.

“I’m calling you a cab, bro.”

So. The good. The last action scene was very incredible and i wished it lasted forever. The actors, are very good, especially RDJ and Gwyneth Paltrow who i still haven’t figured out why people are always getting on her shit, because she’s hot and classy which are two words good ol’ me doesn’t use too much in the same sentence. Also, Tony Stark wimps out a little and shows his vulnerable side and this adds to his depth. All of this works.

The things that dragged me down a little were small little itty bitty things, like the plot. Tony has some PTSD after New York and The Avengers and when he talks about this shit, it reminds me that The Avengers had some serious shit go down in it and that Iron Man 3 is really just a quickie toss off to help us maintain our hardons until the orgy of The Avengers 2.

“It’s a date!”

Also, all the dialog and explanations put the “awful” back in “awful lot of talking”. i don’t give a shit why people do the action and i sure as shit don’t want to hear you explain why you do the action, i just want to see some fucking action. If this was a real comic, the page would be totally white with all the cartoon balloons, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.

The last thing i’ll whine about here is the fact that the movie is called Iron Man and we see less of Iron Man here than any other movie. It shoulda been called “Find Iron Man” because you really gotta pay attention to see him. Plus, is it me or am i crazy or all of the above, Tony Stark is Iron Man, right? If it’s just a load of empty suits flying around, doesn’t that take away from the Iron Mystique?

“Wait, why is my suit called The Piñata?”

So you should definitely see this movie because i want you to give Robert Downey Jr some money, but if you arrive a couple hours late, you won’t be missing too much.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shots

The Six Billion Dollar Dildo

There were some beautiful actresses in this movie and some of them were even cute but as far as the skin on the screen, this was more hard up than hard on. The sexiest scene? 2 shots of Gwyneth Paltrow in a sports bra. Once she was tied up on some kind of rack and the other time she was kicking ass and liking it but i can sure as shit tell you that she was fit as hell.

Gwyneth Paltrow Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s some more shots of her down there in my drawers. Just scroll down all the way to the bottom of the post and then go a little lower.

The equally as lovely but brunette-ier Rebecca Hall did a great job acting, they just made her overdress way too much to do it. Here’s a shot to tide you over until you make it all the way down there, to my drawers.

The weird thing–OK, with me there are a lot of weird things, but this one is really weird because Yvonne Zima (Madeline’s sister) is listed in the cast but i didn’t recognize her in the movie and don’t remember anyone called “Miss Elk Ridge”. If any of y’all readers know who she is, please leave a comment and set me straighter than this wallpaper, like that’s at all possible. [UPDATE: props to the wonderful Messed Up Marionette, who pointed out Zima was the beauty contest winner. Sure enough, when i went back to verify, i noticed IMDB had corrected their typo. Originally they'd written Miss Elkridge, but now it says Miss Elk Ridge. Thanks Marionette.]

Yvonne Zima Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers as well.

Silken Butterflies

Thank god for the Silken Butterflies. Starting things off right on the pretty little foot is the super talented Noa Lindberg who was here as Michele Cusick. Not only is she talented and beautiful, she’s also gutsy as she’s agreed to to an interview for the Bar None, so stay right there on the edge of your seat until that comes together.

What’s an important role in any movie? The bartender, of course, and Crisann Peters fit the part of “Neptune’s Bartender” so well that it made me weep for my past, when i was still drinking and she coulda tended some bars around me. Even less logical than that last sentence is that Crisann, too, has agreed to an interview in the Bar None. i’m thinking this new Jose Cuervo cologne is really starting to work wonders.

Also thrown into the mix was the equally (well, almost equally because she isn’t letting me interview her) delightful Meghan Aruffo, as the enviable “NYE Party Girl”, and aren’t we all?

For those of you more into Iron Men than Iron Ladies (RIP on Margaret “Thatchick” Thatcher), here’s a shot of Iron Man out of his suit.

Drink: ½ Shot

There was some alcohol on the screen, so i have to give it the symbolic half-shot for effort, but there is really the minimum here.

Here’s the way that spilled out on screen:

• [Tony Stark] Drinks wine in his workshop. Obviously [from the rosy pink color], fake wine for RDJ
• Flat champagne for when Pepper comes home
• Mandarin drinks Kronenbourg from a can and offers some to Stark

The Villain (and despite the wardrobe NOT a 70′s Magician, 80′s Singer or 90′s Stand up comic)

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

Two shots and both of them are for the action climax at the end and none of the rest.

You want rock and roll? Go back to Iron Man 1 and 2, where they have the decency to give us some AC/DC. Here there’s no real rock, just rock-like instrumental incidental music. You wanna song with words? No problem, there’s a jazz version of Jingle Bells sung by a cat named Vinne Zummo in the movie and i ain’t even shitting you one bit.

“Well, Oprah, I do my best *not* to fart in the suit.”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stan Lee, Don Heck, Larry Lieber & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Drew Pearce & Shane Black (screenplay)

Directed by: Shane Black

Starring

Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Rebecca Hall – Maya Hansen
Noa Lindberg – Michele Cusick
Crisann Peters – Neptunes Bartender
Yvonne Zima – Miss Elk Ridge
Meghan Aruffo – NYE Party Girl

Bottom Line

C’mon, you knew before you read this if you were gonna see it or not. If you saw the first two, then you gotta see this one anyway. If you don’t have to see it, you should anyway because RDJ should have your money.

Another Round

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more glib, just skin from here on out.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow in the Bar None

Rebecca Hall

Rebecca Hall in the Bar None

Rebecca Hall in the Bar None

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Earth Is A Memory Worth Fighting For. “Oblivion” Isn’t.

Ramblings: Negative Space

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with someone in a coma? You sit there for a couple hours pouring vodka into his IV bag waiting for him to wake up or do something interesting and maybe once or twice he has a crisis and so you get bursts of excitement when they come in with their crash carts and shit to revive him but then it’s back to just sitting there in a very hi-tech room where nothing really goes down or comes up except a heavy buzz that drags you down and you have to fight against it to stay awake. That’s what Oblivion was like.

CGI is a wonderful thing. And the hovering machines look good, too.

• 2077, 5 years after the mandatory [apocalypse]
• Cool exploding moon shot
• The movie is set in a desert wasteland. Super exciting.
• Plus he sleeps a lot because his dreams are important
• The only thing not predictable about this story is how long it would be
• Good sets
• Who the fuck is the second 3rd Jack?
• Based on a comic [that explains it]

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Regrets the days when phone sex was a career option…

Sex:

• Tom Cruise’s partner’s (Andrea Riseborough as Victoria) naked back in the shower. Nice back. The front…?
• Tom Cruise’s back in the shower. He’s still fit. #CGI
• Vickie’s nude silhouette by moonlight, [bare] butt in the water swimming
• Is that the girl from Firefly / V / Homeland who i’ve seen naked?  [Morena Baccarin]
• Nope, it’s not her. [It's Olga Kurylenko] I’d like to see her naked, though.
• That’s Zoe Bell in the background

Drink:

Tom’s gonna burn one down

We’ll grow old and fat together, and fight and drink too much.

Rock & Roll: 

• Special effects and shit
• Blue Oyster Cult
• The Wall album cover
• Led Zeppelin “Ramble On”
• “Whiter Shade of Pale” on the turntable
• Techno song at the credits

Cue the theme to “Star Wars”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Joseph Kosinski: graphic novel and original story

Karl Gajdusek and Michael DeBruyn: screenplay

Directed by: Joseph Kosinski

Starring

Tom Cruise … Jack

Morgan Freeman … Beech

Olga Kurylenko … Julia

Andrea Riseborough … Victoria

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau … Sykes

Melissa Leo … Sally

Zoe Bell … Kara

When i say this movie bombs…

Bottom Line

Perfect if you’ve ODed on uppers and need something to help you come down. This film could take the inventor of the Starbuck’s taste challenge out for a nap.

Another Round

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round

“I’ve seen bigger on baby ants.”

The closest thing Tom’s come to filling a hole in months

_____________________________

[AlKHallism: All photos link to either Noa's IMDB page or her Facebook page.]

Here’s a killer song to kick off an interview with: Deep Dish – Say Hello

[Press 'Play' to Say Hello to  Noa with a song she herself requested]

What’s the biggest blockbuster so far this year? Iron Man 3. And just what is busting Iron Man’s block? What is the spark in his plug? What actress is responsible for his interplanetary success? You may think i’m too far gone but i’m still here to tell you it’s Noa Lindberg, who wore the coveted role of ‘Michele Cusick’ like a hot, tailor made  suit.

As if all that weren’t enough, she’s one of the most gracious women i’ve ever had the pleasure of not really knowing and if you ask me how i know this i’ll tell you it’s because she agreed to do an interview right here in the Bar None. Go ahead and don’t believe me like you always do but stay where you are because if you keep on reading you’ll see me put my funny where my mouth is.

There i was, lost at the wrong end of a bad weekend in some backroom outside Havana, and when i say i was lost i mean i was lost in a poker game to some mustachioed señora card shark who wore tablecloths sewn together and sandals made from shoe boxes. i didn’t have enough money to cover my losses so i was about to become some communist’s bottom bitch when Noa Lindberg magically arrived out of the cigar smoke that parted like curtains when she sat down at the table.

Noa told me i looked spayed and it’s true i wanted to die-man, but she had a big heart and fought for me in that club. The house was full, i felt flush and she had a beautiful pair but unfortunately didn’t want to play “hold ‘em”, she just wanted to play her hearts out for me and i was lucky the others were higher than the stakes but even luckier that Noa had great hands that quickly led me out of the hole i’d dug myself into.

She collected me because i felt cashed and i begged her to let me interview her there in the front seat of the 1956 Chevy Bel Air she drove me away in. Gracious as she is talented, she said ‘Yes’. 

Al K Hall: “Noa” is such a pretty name…

Noa Lindberg: Thank you very much, Al. Noa is an Israeli name that comes from the Bible.

Our Getaway Vehicle

Al K Hall: Not the guy with the ark?

[Noa has mad driving skills tearing through the back streets of Havana and i know they're the back streets because Havana has no front streets but this doesn't keep her from carrying on the interview.]

Noa: Noa was the youngest of Zelophehad’s 5 daughters, who are known as the first feminists in History. They petitioned Moses for their right, as women, to inherit property.

Al K Hall: And now you own my heart. [Note: She does not throw up at this. i repeat, she does not throw up.] You’ve come a long way, baby. Like Israel, where you were born. Is it as cool as it looks?

Noa candidly

Noa: I have and will always keep a special place for Israel in my heart. It is such a beautiful, charming, diverse, multicultural and – hard to believe but true – peaceful country.

Al K Hall: Oh, i believe it. i’ve been to Detroit.

Noa: You can feel history in every corner of a street. Anyone who has the chance to visit, should not hesitate. Our house was facing the Mediterranean Sea. The waves were the first and last thing I would hear and see in the morning and at night.

Al K Hall: Sounds just like Yeamen. Except for the waves and beach. But i hear and see things all the time here, in the morning and the night. Which you probably did in France after you lived there, right?

Noa: I lived in Paris until I finished my Masters in Law and Business.

Al K Hall: Now i’m starting to see why you’re so good at gambling. But Paris must’ve been cool.

Noa: My favorite part of living there was probably having my Mom with me at all times! I also loved that everything was close-by and that in just a couple of hours I was in London or any other European capital!

Al K Hall: Or Miami? How did you wind up there? What does Miami have that Paris doesn’t?

Noa: The weather! Paris is great for education–to my opinion probably one of the best systems in the world. Europe in general has so much culture. But it was time to move on. I was born in a warm country, in a beach town after all. And Miami did it for me.

Al K Hall: Wow, i wish i was Miami.

[Speaking of the Maimi vibe, this  is the song that comes on the radio during our daring Cuban getaway. Fragma - Tocas Miracle, which is Cuban for "The Virgin's face on my taco shell".]

Noa: The U.S. is a country of opportunities. If you have the skills, talent, qualities, focus, a little luck, and of course you are willing to work, you can make it!

Al K Hall: That’s why i had to move to Yeamen. But before i make a fool of myself and beg you to run away with me, or at least not run away from me, any husbands / boyfriends i should know about?

Noa: All I will say is: He is my soul mate and my #1 fan!

Al K Hall: I’ll give you “soul mate”, but as for #1 fan…there’s a long line. He may have to take a number. What about tattoos? Any cool scars?

Noa: No tattoos, but definitely some badass scars! On the left corner of my left eye, my left eyebrow, my left knee, my left ankle… My right side is pretty intact though!

Al K Hall: And your left side isn’t doing so bad, either. When you’re not getting scarred up, what does a girl as talented and beautiful as you do in your downtime?

Noa: First of all thank you for all the compliments, I’m blushing! I’ve learned from past experience that it is important and healthy to take some time off, to clear the mind. I’m never bored, but a typical chill evening would involve my man, a blanket, a glass of wine, popcorn with extra butter and a movie.

Al K Hall: Sounds great! i’ll have to try it sometime. Just let me know the next time your man is free. Or maybe we could play poker for him?

A Hot Track

Noa: You probably don’t want to play me at poker. No, you do not. Or just give me the money now, so at least the one thing you won’t lose is your time, ha ha. I also discovered a new hobby. I’m totally into Go-Kart now and I’m really competitive.

Al K Hall: So if i’m in Florida for a day, where would be a good place for me to ‘track’ you down? [Oh please, like you expect better from me.]

Noa: After a casting, I usually go to Dunkin’ Donuts, order my latte and toasted croissant with cream cheese, and sit down at my usual table by the window. If that table isn’t available, which happened only once so far, I’m totally lost!

Al K Hall: Next time just give me a call–i’ve got some smells that will clear anyone away. Other than Dunkin’ Donuts, what are you favorite vices?

Noa: Big Mac with extra Big Mac sauce and a Cuban Colada! I’m always loaded on Colada on set.

[AlKHallism: 'Colda' is not booze! True Story. It's the Cuban version of espresso and is what's fueling my rescuer as she careens out of the city.]

Cuban Colada

Al K Hall: Babe! Tell me something i don’t know?

Noa: I am pretty much addicted to South Park and can totally recite close to complete episodes of the show. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are completely twisted, pure genius.

Al K Hall: Was it Cartman who made you decide to try your hand, and all the rest of you, at acting? 

Noa: When I was a kid, the energy at home was pretty heavy, so I started to watch comedian stand-up shows. After a couple of times, I would already remember the text. I gave a try at performing it to my family and it would make them laugh a lot. They seemed to forget about all the rest, the issues or tensions around. They looked happy and that would make me happy. So I kept on. I noticed that performing and acting would entertain the people around me and I loved the feeling of being a partial reason for their moment of happiness.

Al K Hall: i bet you spread happiness like bacon flavored peanut butter wherever you go, Noa. You have the gift.

Noa: I’ve always been very creative and willing to express it. There are so many decisions you can make when you get a script. You are the creator of the character. Every word, every look, every gesture has a purpose. Acting is lots of work. It’s Art, and it’s an Art I love!

Al K Hall: Speaking of art, your first role was in a French film called Vidocq, as a Virgin sold off by her parents. Was this typecasting?

Good Vibes

Noa: Well, I was about 16 years old back then! I was indeed a virgin.

Al K Hall: Wait, what’s the opposite of TMI? NMI? Need More Information.

Noa: Hey, I was a good girl! I mean I am a good girl. Anyway, my mom would have never sold me.

Al K Hall: You were probably out of my price range anyway.

Noa: Actually, during the shoot, Pitof, the director, said that I should be particularly expensive and kept adding coins for the transaction scene. It sounds completely psycho, but wasn’t there a girl who sold her virginity for a million bucks on eBay or something?

Al K Hall: Careful, that’s my future wife you’re talking about–if the check clears. You also starred in the full length film Equal Strength. How did that come about?

Noa: Equal Strength was a fabulous experience. It was indeed the very first feature film I had the lead role in. I remember I almost didn’t go to the casting because I didn’t have an up-to-date résumé and headshot back then. I followed my guts, and I went and did a cold read as the sides were given directly at the audition. After my performance, I apologized for not having my headshot and résumé, but Ika Santamaria, the director of the film, said, “Don’t worry, I’ll remember you.”

Al K Hall: To be fair to the rest of the world, i bet you hear that a lot. But you killed the audition, basically.

Noa: I felt confident and left. I was requested to the callback, and was booked as Eva Williams! It was a very special project called “Movie Painting”, as the film was created with brainstorming and written along the shooting. When we started, we did not necessarily know where the story was going, which made it even a bigger challenge.

Al K Hall: Sounds like my sex life.

Noa: I love the result.

[Speaking of my sex life, here's a song called 'Silence' by Delerium (featuring Sarah McLachlan) that comes out of the mono speaker on the Chevy's dash as we hideout next to a dumpster behind a tequilera. Strangely enough, it also happens to be a song Noa digs.]

Al K Hall: Wait–what?

Noa: The team became family. And Brent Battles, who plays my uncle in the movie, became one of my closest friends.

Al K Hall: Oh, right, the movie. How was the film received?

Noa: Equal Strength won a few awards in the US at the Women’s International Film Festival and the Palm Beach LDub Film Festival. The movie is currently in re-editing in order to be submitted to Cannes Film Festival.

Al K Hall: Speaking of “Cannes-Do”, you have the role of “Michele Cusick” in Iron Man 3. How did you get the part?

What Noa was wearing when she saved my ass

Noa: To avoid crowds and fans requiring more security and possibly slowing down the shooting, the biggest projects usually have a nickname title. So when I was cast for Iron Man 3, I had no idea that’s where I was sent because it was called “Caged”.

Al K Hall: Like they used the title “Get Al Laid” for Mission Impossible?

Noa: Even agents are sometimes not entitled to reveal the information. But actors can have days so overbooked with castings and shootings, they cannot make it to them all and have make decisions and selections. So, I was hesitating about that one, but my agent insisted and ended up telling me privately, “You have to go, it’s for Iron Man 3!”

Al K Hall: And like one of Zelophehad’s daughters with property, you owned it. Who is Michele in the film?

Noa: Michele Cusick is an attendee of the Millenium New Years Eve party and Science Conference in Bern, Switzerland. Michele is flirting with Happy Hogan–aka Jon Favreau–while having a drink with her boyfriend who she ends up trading by midnight for an older (really older) wealthy man.

Al K Hall: Wait, that’s a thing? ‘Cause i’m a ‘really older’ man. Not wealthy, but what i lack in ‘wealthy’ i make up for in ‘really older’. Was it a fun shoot? More fun than this interview?

Noa: My most enjoyable moment was actually when a sweet lady, one of the extra talents that worked on the set, came to me and said: “I’m sorry, I don’t want to bother, aren’t you the main actress in… that movie… Equal Strength!?” I simply hugged her and smiled, it made me very proud to do what I do! Overall, fabulous experience.

Bar None artist’s hallucination of that moment

Al K Hall: That must have been so cool. Imagine someone who knows your name and they’re not even carrying a warrant! But wait, your scene was a party scene? You must’ve got buttloads of free booze!

Noa: Free booze? Well, as it was a party scene, champagne was ginger ale, white wine was apple juice and red wine was flat coke and water. The second day, I almost thought of bringing booze to make my own “fake but not so really” drink, but I forgot to take it in the morning, as I had only slept 4 hours in between the shoots.

Al K Hall: “Fake but not so really”, awesome! Like “kind of a virgin” cocktail. What did you “kind of” steal from the shoot?

Noa: All the pins they had to stick in my hair!

Al K Hall: And, barring any arrests for that, have you got any upcoming projects?

Noa: I am currently working on writing 3 screenplays, 2 feature films, and 1 TV show pilot (and full season if the project works out). I am finishing a drama, starting a comedy, and wrapping up the show project. I am also planning on writing, directing and performing a dramatic short film and a series of shorts. Yes, that is a lot of writing!

Al K Hall: Cool. i hope you’ll give us a shout here when that stuff starts coming out. You know what i mean. If a real professional (and not just “an interviewer but not so really”) person is reading this, what’s the best way to contact you?

Noa: To movie directors and casting agents, you can join me by contacting my agent, Elissa at Boca Talent: elissa [at] bocamodels.com, or check my contact information on my IMDb pro. In case of urgent or last minute matters, I always recommend Facebook private messages.

Al K Hall: In all the minutes of exhausting research i did during a Resident Evil marathon, did i blow over anything too quickly? Anything you got coming up you’d like us to know about?

Noa: You can always subscribe to my YouTube channel and look out for the new Schweppes TV commercial in which I am starring – and rude staring at – Iggy Pop. Wonderful experience.

[A music video starring our girl]

Al K Hall: Iggy Pop!? No way! He and I are going to hook up sometime if he ever finds out i exist.

Noa: Iggy is really sweet and we talked a while in between rolling cameras. He is a legend in the music culture and knows a lot about everything. So when he said, “You look like a Hollywood star”, you can only imagine how great it made me feel!

Al K Hall: You wanted to call the cops? Because that’s what girls do when i say they look like Hollywood stars. Anyway what message do you have for Iggy and your bajillion other fans?

Noa: Thank you so much for your support, comments, likes and interest. I always take the time to respond, so feel free to write me. Here’s my official page: http://www.facebook.com/noalindbergofficial

Al K Hall: Well, i hope you’ve had your shots, and if you need more, i got your back because it’s time for the infamous Bar None Questionnaire. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Noa in the Bar None

Noa: Really? Do I have to pick? Alright, let’s have a tasting of them all and I’ll pick after!?

Al K Hall: OK, but you’re paying. Who’m i kidding? You’re a woman and i’m the owner so you drink free. But be careful… When was the last time you had a hangover?

Noa: Let’s just say this morning I’m moving pretty slow after Sunday-Funday in Miami…

Al K Hall: How cool are you! Do you smoke?

Noa: “Smoking is bad, mmkay? And if you start smoking at an early age, mmkay, it’s gonna be bad, mmkay?” Mr Mackey.

Al K Hall: From South Park. Good impression, babe. What’s your favorite swear word?

Noa: Lately, it’d be “balls”.

Al K Hall: Are you positive? HIV positive? More South Park. You really are addicted. And while we’re on that subject, you know i’m in AA…what’s your opinion of teetotalers?

Noa: I admire people who do not feel any social pressure, because after all, drinking is, to my opinion, a social phenomenon. In the Entertainment Industry, you get to go out to events or festivals pretty often, you are always exposed to that pressure, people insisting on getting you a drink. If you refuse, even though you really don’t feel like having a drink at all, it can look unsocial. So I just tend to constantly hold a drink to avoid all this.

Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Noa: Taking the time to preparing a FUN interview! Thank you so much! Now let’s all cheers to the Bar None readers!

Al K Hall: From your lips to Google’s ears.

And that’s the way it goes because that’s the way she went. i know i don’t need to tell y’all that Noa and i, regrettably, never met face to face during a wild escape from Cuban card sharks or anywhere else on God’s grey earth. The whole interview was done through e-mail and i goofed around with my parts to make it look like she and i were together, but her answers were kept exactly as she sent them to me.

i really want to thank Noa for putting up with my ridiculousness and for investing herself so deeply in the interview. She was always right there with the answers and she generously shared all of the candid shots you see up there, because she just wanted to be close to you booze hounds and barmaids. If the world needs a next superstar, the world could do a lot worse than Noa Lindberg. Truth.

[Another song Noa likes, hand picked from Intouchables, one of her favorite movies: Eart, Wind and Fire - September]

Save the last dance for me

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: The Beach Boys – Help Me, Rhonda

[Press 'Play' for what is probably the worst song in the movie but the only one i could find]

Ramblings: His Name is Mud

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with Boy Scouts on a trip? They’re so cute with their little shorts and when they laugh beer comes out of their nose and they wipe it away with their little yellow handkerchiefs and they drink like they do everything else which is earnestly and if you don’t know what that means it means with their heart, it means they do it with unquestioning faith in something other than God, something they haven’t named yet and that’s what they’re searching for with all of their badges and all of their exploring until what they find for the briefest of moments and then lose like their virginity never to get back again is Love because there’s a boy scout minute when all little lads believe in Love more than they believe in booze, boobs and big brothers, more than God, Mom and vacations in summer and Mud captures that instant for one little boychild.

Waiting for a Tidal Wave

i can tell you right now who’s going to like this movie, and that’s guys like me. More specifically, guys who used to be boys like i was. Ridiculously emotional, thin skinned, passionate about everything to the point of blindness where others mistook the fact i was overwhelmed with my own emotions for egoism but really i couldn’t stop feeling enough to make room for anything else.

If you weren’t like that as a kid or if you were never a kid you’ll be able to appreciate Mud as a piece of art but you won’t be able to understand it.

Redneck Yachting

The thing that makes this movie is the actors and not just Matthew McConaughey because he spoke with an accent and not just Reese Witherspoon becasue she’s a hot drunken mess and not just Michael Shannon (who starred in Nichols’ other movie, Take Shelter) because have you seen how fucking cool he is and plus he does a good job acting normal here for once. No, the good actors were also the kids, especially the boys because one of them (Tye Sheridan as Ellis) was a real actor and so he has to be good because it’s his little  job but they also had this kid from Arkansas (Jacob Lofland as Neckbone), fresh off the street, and he acted the hell out of his part.

Plus there was Sam Shepard who is an amazing actor and writer and who was probably my first guy crush back when i was a teenager and secure in my heterosexuality with a lifelong crush on Muriel Hemingway that still hasn’t completely gone away. And Michael Shannon rocked his role, and i’m not just saying that because he’s my current guy crush. What i really liked about all the acting going on was that i have been each of these characters at least once in my life and the actors let me identify with all of them.

Johnny Ray done carved himself a whole dock

What about the rest of it?

Jeff Nichols wrote and directed Mud and he did a good job because i was able to sit back and forget i was watching a movie and that’s exactly what a director’s supposed to do. As for the themes, well, there were some and i guess that makes this intellectual or French but the themes weren’t all that complex and there was an ending so it really wasn’t all that French but still it was pretty predictable, like trying a new beer in a frosty mug and the beer is refreshing but in the end all you have left is the same old mug.

But still that was one damn fine glass.

“We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

A couple very pretty girls but because this bad boy was about love and not sex, the girls don’t show anything other than up.

Like i already said, Reese Witherspoon played the female lead in Mud and did a lot with what she had but she didn’t have to do a lot other than look nervous.

Redneck test: Find Reese Witherspoon (Hint: She’s *in front* of the truck)

i got some more shots of her deep in my drawers down below at the bottom of this post.

Also in this movie is Sarah Paulson who i already like because she’s in both seasons of American Horror Story which is the best fucking show on TV bar none (no pun intended) . To make things even better she plays a lesbian in season 2 of that series and to take the cherry off the cake and put it where it belongs [no idea what i mean by that, btw], she’s a lesbian in real life, too.

I bet Sarah and i are fantasizing about the same thing…

She plays Mary Lee, the lead boy’s mother and the worst thing about her performance was that it was so short. And they didn’t let her look like this.

Sarah Paulson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Rounding out the full cast is the wonderful and not at all jail bait Bonnie Sturdivant. She’s 22 and acts her age and better.

“So then I said, ‘Half your age plus 7, man’.”

Silken Butterflies

There was only one actress whose talent was as permanent as her beauty was lasting and her screen time was fleeting. Barmaids and beerhounds, i give you Kristy Barrington.

For those of you more into mud than dirt, there was Matthew McConaughey. Here he is, deep down in it.

Matthew McConaughey Drunk in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i stuck some sexier shots of him in my drawers, at the bottom of this post. Scroll deep down and you’ll find them.

Drink: 1 Shot

Nothing to write home about, much less bore you with here, so let’s make like most of my love and just get it over with.

• Father drinks whiskey from a pint bottle flask
• RW [Reese Witherspoon] hangs out at a bar drinking Bud Light and flirting with a guy
• Empty bottle of fictional whiskey in the dying bonfire at morning

Don’t drink and boat

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

There were some decent and other not so decent real songs in this movie but i can’t find a trace of them anywhere and i’ve been digging for much longer than i should’ve been because once i get something in my crotch i can’t let go of it until i find it but this time i’m just giving up. And don’t even tell me to look at the OST album because it’s all incidental music and there were some songs with vocals in Mud other than “Help me Rhonda”.

“The necklace will go right here.”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Jeff Nichols

Directed by: Jeff Nichols

Bargain hunting in the funiture store

Starring

Reese Witherspoon – Juniper
Sarah Paulson – Mary Lee
Bonnie Sturdivant – May Pearl
Kristy Barrington – Princess
Tye Sheridan – Ellis
Jacob Lofland – Neckbone
Matthew McConaughey – Mud
Sam Shepard – Tom Blankenship
Michael Shannon – Galen

Bottom Line

Was it a great movie? It was great enough.

Another Round

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

So that’s all for the fancy writing. After the jump is nothing but pictures of the actors and actresses.

Matthew McConaughey

Matthew McConaughey Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon Assassin a bikini

Reese Witherspoon outside the Bar None

Reese Witherspoon after the Bar None

Sarah Paulson

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Putting the ‘Man’ in ‘Manicure’

Ramblings: Rusty Nails

First off: Just to prove Wolverine came to Yeaman before States…

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk alone? You sit there on your ratty ass recliner and pound cheap beer so fast your cans don’t have the chance to get warm and your skin tingles with the excitement of the buzz and you honestly believe you’re having fun even if you’re the only one, and you think you’re thinking of all kinds of great shit that you really should be writing down and even if you catch yourself drowsing off towards the end you’re convinced that the night you’re spending means something significant…until you wake up in a puddle of your own piss with the understanding that you’re in the same chair and the same life with the same job and nothing at all you said or thought or did has any consequence on your life. You got ridden right back where you started and and the ride wasn’t all that great, and that drunken night is just like The Wolverine.

Life in the Outhouse…here comes another Full Moon.

• Like a minor-storyline comic, it’ll burst your speech bubble
• i hate Wolverine’s ironic beard
• i hate Wolverine’s ironic haircut

“Wait, does my hair really look like a furry plate glued to my head?!”

• PG-13 vengeance isn’t as sweet as you’d think
• No consequences, so of no consequence

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

“Bitch, I am so gonna finger bang you.”

Sex: 0 Shots

• Wolverine kisses Jean in bed…in a dream. Neither Jean, nor the kiss, nor the dream are wet.
• Wolverine makes out with Mariko as she holds his obi [not a euphemism]
• They wake up together, fully clothed
• Minister of Defense Noburo parties with two prostitutes in their underwear
• Viper is a mutant who can kill you with a French kiss, or her breath [not a joke]

Drink: 0 shots

Yukio hasn’t yet understood Pole Dancing

• Bar fight scene when Wolverine decides to break his ten minute vow of not hurting anyone
• Logan buys evil hunter a drink before stabbing him in the hand with a poison arrow
• Drinks a shot while torturing the evil hunter
• Libido [Yukio] cuts off the bottom of a beer bottle with a samurai sword–drinks are half off
• Wolverine drinks whiskey on the plane because he’s a pussy afraid of flying
• Prostitutes make drinks for Japanese Ministry of Defense in their underwear (the drinks are in glasses, not their underwear)

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

BMX: Be More Exciting

1 shot and it’s all for this song… Sideburn – Six Feet Under

• Normal fight scene
• Cool fight scene on top of bullet train
• Normal finale fight scene

“I’m the Man of Steal!”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Mark Bomback, Scott Frank, Christopher McQuarrie – screenplay

Directed by: James Mangold

Doesn’t bathe. Looks better.

Starring

Rila Fukushima – Yukio
Svetlana Khodchenkova – Viper
Famke Janssen – Jean Grey
Tao Okamoto – Mariko Yashida
Hugh Jackman – Logan / Wolverine

No. Not Irish.

Essence

The Wolverine is giving us the finger.

Another Round

“I make my skin crawl.”

Hard & Veiny: The Wolver-peen

Iron Man 3 Booze Revooze

G.I. Joe Retaliation Booze Revooze

Les Misérables Booze Revooze

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_____________________________

i do know who i’m playing with: Myself

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Control Machete – Si Señor

[Press 'Play' for some of that Mexican moderno salto ("hip hop" in Spanish, hermano]

Ramblings: Medium Stakes

“When I grow up, I wanna be just like you, daddy–er, Ben Affleck.”

Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in Laughlin, Nevada? Sure it’s a casino town and you sip comped drinks all night as you play poker, but the drinks are so watered down you start to build an ark and the only poker you play is video poker so electronic that you can smell the percentage it’s taking from you and that’s about as exciting as watching reality TV show reruns, plus you’re in fucking Laughlin for chrissakes which doesn’t even have the decency to copy Las Vegas like Reno does. So you sit there drained and not drunk and ready just to finish your roll of quarters and go back to your smelly ass room and beat off to “Pretty Little Liars” because even the prostitutes in Laughlin are too expensive and too cheap. That’s all you’ll take away after seeing Runner Runner.

You’re in a hurry and just want the short version? Runner Runner is a mediocre remake of The Firm and every other corporate thriller from the 1980′s.

Ben Affleck begging the director to tear up his contract

There’s a couple things wrong with Runner Runner and by “a couple” i mean “a shit ton”, starting with the script which is no big deal and ending with the acting which isn’t going to win any awards. Like for the acting Justin Timberlake tries to bluff us into thinking he can carry a whole film but his weak ass hand couldn’t carry a shake so he should just stick to the carrying of tunes.

You know who else is in this movie? John Heard and what cracked me up is that i just saw him in Sharknado, but at least he was trying in this one. The character he was this time trying to be, however, was called Harry Furst. i’m still trying to decide if this is a bad joke or bad scripting.

Speaking of bad script writing, here’s a taste. A bad taste. For your mouth.

This isn’t poker. It’s my life, and I only have one play left.

Plus there’s tons of WTF!? moments that i won’t get into here because i don’t want to drop any spoilers but trust me, a lot of this movie is gonna feel like bad fan art because you’re gonna look at it and feel that something just this side of everything is ‘off’.

Bar None Artist’s recollection of “Runner Runner”

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 baby Shot

Gemma Arterton is all kinds of hot but you’re gonna have to take my word for it because you won’t see any of that sizzle here. There’s a little kissing and a sex scene that was lifted from 1980′s school of in-your-end-o sex scenes but it sure didn’t get a rise out of me.  Not like this, anyway.

Gemma Arterton Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

There were a lot of them but i was only able to net a couple.

To start off with, hats off to the extra special loveliness of Laura Alemán, who played to perfection what just may be my favorite role in the film, “Masseuse”.

Another young lady who pricked up more than my ears was the stunning Diana Laura who acted the shit out of Sandra Leon (her character).

Here’s the blow-by-blow:

• Hot black jack dealers
• JT & GA [Justin Timberlake and Gemma Arterton] have sex standing up against a wall
• Champagne and girls at Local’s orgy when delivering bribe

Gemma proves she loves going down

Drink: 2 shots

Two shots and it’s only because of the quantity of the booze that flowed and not the quality of the references. A lot of drinking, but the booze didn’t have a role in the film so it’s not gonna score big here.

• Beer and whisky during the online poker game when he loses everything

Justin learns about porn…the hard way

• Red wine in casino (too red to be real)
• Shot of pro’lly vodka after almost losing [all of his staked money at his boss's party]
• Beer at beach bar
• Beer on boat
• “Una cerveza” in a Costa Rican bar talking to the head honcho

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Like you really though you were going to get rock and roll in a movie with Justine Timberlack. They had tons of music only none of it was rock. Like do you know who they had in the movie? Some guy named Joel and not Billy but a DJ who knows Joel isn’t that cool of a name so he changed it to Deadmau5.

As for the action…like you thought there’d be action in a Justin Time movie. The most action you’ll see are the people walking out of the cinema. Hey, it’s not cruel if it’s true.

Justin Timberlake has a case of the Runs

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Brian Koppelman & David Levien

Directed by: Brad Furman

Starring

Gemma Arterton – Rebecca Shafran
Laura Alemán – Masseuse
Diana Laura – Sandra Leon
Justin Timberlake – Richie Furst
Ben Affleck – Ivan Block
John Heard – Harry Furst

Bottom Line

Cut your losses while you’re ahead and fold. Fold hard.

Another Round

The things you learn from a toilet cam cannot be unlearned

Justin reminiscing about his old boss

A Real Back Street Boy

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing left but sexy photographs and not one of them is of Ben or this Justin. You’ve been warned.

Gemma Arterton in the Bar None

Gemma Arterton in the Bar None

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From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Tito Tarantula – Machete Main Title Theme

[Press 'Play' to spice up this review]

Don’t you hate it when a new post comes out on some famous blog and assholes all over the world rush to comment just one word?

FIRST!

Silly assholes, that’s what cellphone cameras are for. Here’s proof i saw Machete Kills before you.

This shot represents Jessica Alba’s total screen time in the flick

Ramblings: Machete Scratches

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in a Chili’s? It’s a nice enough place to get a buzz on but do you really want to get shitfaced someplace ‘nice’? Are as high as your aspirations go getting all fucked up in a family restaurant that has pictures of its laminated drinks on a menu and chick waiters with name tags? Wouldn’t you rather raise hell in hell itself at the bottom of a barrel place where you can’t tell the spilled beer from the spilled guts and the only reason girls go to the bathroom together is to make sure they make it back alive and intact? In a real fucking drunk you don’t risk getting cut off you risk getting cut, the only thing you designate drivers for is outrunning the cops and the only reason to lower your voice is for death or another gulp. Leave Chili’s to ethnic poser professionals out on a quick flirt before returning home to their spouses… If you’re gonna fucking get drunk then go all out balls to the wall no holds bared pulling no punches kicking ass and tasting fame drunk. Machete the First was fucking drunk, Machete Kills is as much a letdown as trying to cop a buzz on colorful cocktails with next to no liquor content and names as fruity as the waiter in a motherfucking Chili’s.

“Batman?”

i like Robert Rodriguez. Like a lot. Roget is still looking for new words to describe how fucking awesome Sin City is, but i also really liked From Dusk to Dawn and The Faculty. Hell, i even liked the Spy Kids movies, and i really got into the B-genres like Planet Terror and someone’s still pro’lly cleaning off the back of the seat in front of me from when i saw the first Machete.

Rodriguez has this cool way of taking cliches and then anal raping them, like you order a beer and then when you’re in the middle of it you realize he spiked it with acid. You don’t know where he’s going and he gets you there in a hurry, with style. Like in a convertible. Or a minivan with a rocking sound system (but a super fast and really cool minivan, though).

Barbie Landspeeder

The problem is i expected him to take me on the same ride with Machete Kills but all he did was ride me. The hard way. i expected most of the surprises he threw at me so he didn’t catch me off guard. Sure it was fun to see famous people doing cameos all over the place in a fake movie, and watching Amber Heard try to act is like watching a mermaid try to run a 100-yard dash which is always good for a chuckle but i’ve come to expect more from Rodriguez. Hell, he’s trained me to expect more.

Unless–and this is probably exactly what’s going on here–he’s afraid people will expect too much of Sin City 2 next year so he wants to make a ton of boring movies so our expectations are at an all time low when he releases SC2.

Yeah, i bet that’s it.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 shots

Killer Tits

Rodriguez knows men and he knows what men like and he knows women and when i say that i mean he probably knows them biblically and that means sexually but none of that is as important as him sharing them with us. So he gets all these super hot actresses and makes them appear in revealing clothes and do a lot of action shots on the big screen and what more do you want from something that can’t press charges when you’re through?

As for the blow by blow:

• 70′s style weird lava lamp style sex scene where they say “Put on your 3D glasses now” but then the scene is too fake 3D and has 70′s groovy sploogey (hey, if i can write it, it’s a word) designs to see anything
• Danny Trejo’s nipples have no areolas

Because Cleavage

You know who i wanna start with is Alexa Vega who plays an evil henchbabe prostitute called KillJoy. She started out looking like this sweet little girl in Spy Kids 1-84 and then ended up a gorgeous young woman. The nice thing about this is she learned how to be a good actress before she got all hot. The other nice thing is this, a collage of her Twit pix.

Alexa Vega Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

She also has assless chaps in one scene in the movie and man, does she do AssAssin the open air very well.

Then there’s Amber Heard who is so beautiful it makes my eyes hurt but who acts so badly it makes my eyes hurt too. Whenever she starts to speak, look at her boobs, that’s what i do and it distracts you from her acting. She had a sex scene in the film, fully clothed, sitting on Machete’s machete.

Amber Heard Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You remember Sofia Vergara because how could you forget her when she looks exactly like this? She plays a whorehouse madame and her girls are as hot as she is but not all of them because this is how high Sofia lifts your bar.

Sofia Vergara Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Guess what and you don’t have to because i’mma a tell you right now before you can try to guess. Vanessa Hudgens had a cameo as Cereza the whore / Mendez’s lover but we never get to see her prove it. Still, Vanessa really puts the ‘OOH’ in Cameo. Sorta like this.

Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Then there’s this Lady Gaga woman i heard a lot about but not of because the only kind of pop i’m into is when my eardrums do it because the music is so loud. She plays a women called La Camaleón and almost falls out of her dress as she climbs out of a wrecked van. First up in real life, i got a collage of her in and out of the Bar None.

Lady Gaga in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

So, she’s a singer like Justin Beiber except taller and more masculine and she looks a lot like this.

Lady Gaga Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Saving the best for later, everyone in the Bar None knows how hot i am for Mr Michelle Rodriguez and she looked good in this movie because she lost some of the beer weight and walked around all cute as a belly button. Her shots, as long as the solo shots of all these ladies are located at the bottom of this post, in my drawers. Just rummage around at the end of this and you’ll come up with something.

Portable Gun Show

Silken Butterflies

Rodriguez also knew how to net the Silken Butterflies, those actresses with eternal beauty and fleeting screen time.

First up is the wonderful Callie Hernandez who clocks in as “Space Babe”.

As if that weren’t enough and when is it ever, there was also the amazing Emmy Robbin who rocked the movie as Pris.

Then there was also Elle Lamont who scored the roll of Dollface and if that wasn’t a case of typecasting then ‘dollface’ doesn’t mean this.

Elle Lamont in the Bar None

Last and certainly not least is the Robert Rodriguez scored twins and not just twins playing nurses but twins that are so amazing they’ll make you forget every pair you’ve ever seen before. I give you Electra & Elise Avellan.

Or is it Elise & Electra?

Drink: 3 shots

Not bad, actually. There were quite a few references and some of them even had relative importance so i’ll jack this up to 3 shots after being so hard on the film over all.

Check out this booze exchange between Mendez (Demian Bichir) and a bartender.

Mendez: Martini extra dry and 2 olives.

Bartender: All we have here is beer and Chango.

“Chango” for those of you who care, is a fictional warm, flat weak piss beer that Rodriguez likes to sneak into most of his movies for grownups (or me).

Here’s the blow by blow for the rest.

• The President (Charlie Sheen as Carlos Estevez) drinks shots of whisky in the Oval Office
• Bad leader Mendez drinks tequila when meeting Machete
• Wine at dinner with Mel Gibson (who doesn’t get drunk and go racist on Danny Trejo’s ass)
• Mel kills a waiter with a corkscrew because the waiter was going to spill a bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux
• Variety of cocktails at the reception

Picking up chicks…on the bumper

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

i know, it’s amazing that in each category i’ve been scoring rather high but overall the film scared only 2½ shots. What can i tell you that i didn’t already spell out in the intro? Nothing.

But the rock was good, like the soundtrack was so good i’m going to try to find it online and download it illegally for free.

Very Hard Nipples

The action, though, was a little weak except for this one part (and you saw how i put up at the top that there were spoilers here, right?) where Machete punches through a guy’s skin, pulls out his intestines, throws them into the revolving rotors of a helicopter on the ground beside them and the rotating motor pulls the dude up into the blades and chop him to suey.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Danny Trejo auditions for Thor

Kyle Ward – Screenplay
Robert Rodriguez & Marcel Rodriguez – Story

Directed by: Robert Rodriguez

Starring

Danny Trejo – Machete
Amber Heard – Miss San Antonio
Michelle Rodriguez – Luz
Sofía Vergara – Desdemona
Lady Gaga – La Camaleón
Vanessa Hudgens – Cereza
Alexa Vega – KillJoy
Callie Hernandez – Space Babe
Emmy Robbin – Pris
Elle LaMont – Dollface
Electra Avellan – Nurse Mona
Elise Avellan – Nurse Lisa
Charlie Sheen – Mr. President (as Carlos Estevez)

Bottom Line

Not all that sharp but not all that dull, either.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of Inglourious Basterds

Booze Revooze of Django Unchained

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

i’ll throw up some of the leftover captioned stills and then get right to the hotness because you gotta believe my drawers are as hot as hell, Barmaids and Beerhounds.

That moment you realize you have the same haircut as Danny Trejo

Valentine’s Day in Mexico

Bored This Way

“I call this one my ‘vale-Dick-torian’.”

Chose ‘Acting’ as her ‘Talent’. Lost pageant.

Barbie Machete

Bra Size: 9mm

A Breakdown of Government

Alexa Vega

Alexa Vega in the Bar None

Amber Heard

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga in the Bar None

Michelle Rodriguez

Michelle Rodriguez after the Bar None

Sofia Vergara

Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Machete Kills

Vanessa Hudgens

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

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A Booze Revooze Quick Shot

Smaug Alert

Not at all from the Juiced-box but the only song with words in it from the soundtrack: I See Fire – Ed Sheeran

Here are the derogatory shots to prove that yes, they let me see this bad boy 2 days before the civilized world.

Bilbo disappearing with the ring

Merlin–uhm, Gandolf

Some half-bear, half-man guy

Precious

They’re blurry and badly taken? No, they’re of a movie i saw in 3D and only here to prove i saw this bad boy.

Ramblings: A Hard Hobbit to Break

Final Proof:  3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a daughter of a whore who’s a whore herself? She’s just as flashy as her mom and aims to please but she’s a little sprier, a little faster on the uptake and quicker on the down-low. She parties harder and keeps a better rhythm so she’s more satisfying than mom, even if she’s just a shallow party girl and you’ll never fall in love with her or spill your guts or bare your soul to her and you don’t care enough to wonder what her real name is but you’ll remember her stage name for up to a week which is more than you can say for her mother who was totally forgettable in every way. That’s what The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug is like after the not Unexpected Journey.

The Hobbit looks Paramount

• Nice because you can doze on and off through much of the film and still follow the story
• Didn’t they already have a giant spider in one of the Lord of the Rings?
• The second movie i’ve seen in 2 weeks that ends with a “To be continued” (Hunger Games 2 was the other)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Still looks Lost

Sex:

• Evangeline Lilly extra fully clothed
• The dwarf/elf love story is highly annoying
• Great special effects because they make Evangeline Lilly ugly– that isn’t easy to do

Drink:

How you feel choosing wine

• Mead and ales in a Middle Earthen pub
• Drunk guards passed out
• Post-feast a dwarf wakes up late and downs the bottom of a glass of ale

Rock & Roll: 

• Great action scenes
• Why does the dragon want all the riches? What’s he going to buy with it, cigarettes and dragon hookers?

Not ‘Cupid’, but rhymes with ‘Cupid’

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Fran Walsh, Guillermo del Toro, Peter Jackson, Philippa Boyens Screenplay

Directed by: Peter Jackson

Starring

Evangeline Lilly – Tauriel
Graham McTavish - Dwalin
Ian McKellen - Gandalf
James Nesbitt - Bofur
Ken Stott - Balin
Martin Freeman - Bilbo Baggins
Richard Armitage - Thorin Oakenshield
Stephen Hunter - Bombur
William Kircher - Bifur
Adam Brown - Ori
Aidan Turner - Kili
Benedict Cumberbatch - Smaug
Conan Stevens - Azog

The Hobbit pays better than The Office

Another Round

Booze Revooze: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

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_____________________________

From the juiced-box but not the soundtrack: Peter Gabriel – Biko

[Press 'Play' for a moment more inspiring than the movie ever achieves]

For those of you doubters who still don’t believe i see shit before the States, here are the screen shots i snapped with my phone.

Ramblings: Long Walk on the wrong track

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk studying for a history test? You’re sitting on a stool and the book is sitting on the sticky counter absorbing spilled foam and sloshed cocktails but that’s OK because the times you’re reading about are more important than the book itself and you start to get bored as the booze kicks in so you skip straight to the pictures and realize the book is only a well intentioned way to make money and not meant to inspire anyone and if you want some fucking inspiration you have to go directly to the source. That’s what watching Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom was like.

Here’s the main problem with the film: Mandela’s life is modern history. Hell, he was still alive after the film was completed. Can you imagine watching a movie someone made of your life and at the end telling the director you thought it was boring? Which would really suck because you’re life isn’t at all boring – and you’re you, imagine how weird it would be for someone as epically non-boring as Mandela.

You know what the best part of the movie was? The news footage, because they showed news clips from the time the events were really taking place and then at the end they showed photos of the real Mandela and the events touched on in the film. In other words, the best bits were the ones the director didn’t make. What i’m saying is, a documentary would’ve been much better than this film. Mandiba’s struggle against apartheid wasn’t so long ago, so they could’ve used original footage, old photos, interviewed real people… That would’ve been a movie that gave you chills whereas this version just left me cold.

See, i know you guys think i’m young and a hep cat like you say in your cool kid lingo, but i’m actually old enough to remember a lot of what happens in this movie. Hell, i was boycotting Coke because of their interests in South Africa and i was standing alone in my basement in front of the mirror putting on a concert where i sang Peter Gabriel’s “Biko” fighting back tears because i’m nothing if not an over sensitive son of a bitch with an out of proportioned sense of injustice. Ah, if only this movie were as intense as i am.

i’m also old enough to remember listening to this killer song called “Sun City” by Artists United Against Apartheid (in 1985) which you gotta see because it’ll save you the time and money you would’ve otherwise spent on the Long Walk to Freedom and plus, where else can you see Lou Reed, Miles Davis, Ringo Starr, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Run DMC, and fucking Joey Ramone all singing together in the same song?

Finally, let’s be honest and you know me, i’m nothing if not an honest man (though the fact that sometimes i’m nothing does not necessarily mean i’m dishonest…)– Idris Elba is a great fucking actor and probably a handsome man but he looks absolutely nothing like Nelson Mandela. Nelson was a clearer skinned African as well as being rather small and almost frail in stature while Idris is this huge fucking giant of a beautiful black man. i know i’m coloring way out of line here, but i found the lack of physical resemblance distracting.

Just remember, you’re allowed to hate the movie without hating the man or what he fought for.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Obviously Winnie Mandela played a huge role in Nelson’s life but to be completely honest, i don’t really care about how they met, how they fell in love, what they looked like when they kissed, what they looked like when they screwed, what they looked like when he proposed to her, or what they looked like when they got married.This is more like looking through Mandela’s family album and i wished they would’ve spent more time on the man’s philosophies than his wooing.

There is also a standup quickie with a political groupie after he married his first wife but before he met Winnie. This is to show us that Mandela was a ladies’ man and is pretty typical of how this movie covers what we’ve already heard about Mandela.

Silken Butterflies

The extra beautiful and enormously talented Nomfusi Gotyana portrayed Miriam Makeba and sang some killer South African style music in a bar in the beginning.

Drink: 0 Shots

The only real drinking reference is when a drunk black friend of Mandela’s is arrested leaving a bar because he doesn’t have his papers and then he’s beaten to death by the police after he throws up on a cops shoes. Also, Winnie is shown sipping what might be either iced tea or whiskey. Oh yeah, and that mug on the table in that one scene was either half empty with beer or piss, judging by how yellow it was.

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

Mandela spent 18 years in prison and i think the director of Long Walk to Freedom wanted us to appreciate what this tedium felt like by cutting most of the violence associated with the fight against white supremacy in South Africa. Oh sure there are some token scenes representing the overall pain involved with the struggle but more attention is paid to the love story with Winnie than the end of white rule Mandela brought about.

That rant over, there were some pretty cool songs thrown in the mix:

• Gil Scott-Heron – The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
• Public Enemy – Fight the Power
• Bob Marley – War

There was also one crappy song filling out the credits, the ultra ordinary “Ordinary Love” by U2, no offense.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:  Nelson Mandela – Autobiography William Nicholson – Screenplay

Directed by: Justin Chadwick

Starring

Naomie Harris - Winnie Madikizela
Nomfusi Gotyana - Miriam Makeba
Idris Elba - Nelson Mandela

Bottom Line

Wait for this to come out online, even Mandiba himself would forgive you

Another Round

Booze Revooze: Invictus

Booze Revooze: Zero Dark Thirty

Booze Revooze: Django Unchained

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review is over, now let’s get to the revue, which will feature exclusively the bodily charm of Naomie Harris.

Naomie Harris – AssAssin panties

Naomie Harris in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Aren’t we all?

Before we get into the shit, let me just rub something in by telling you that, yes, once again, we had a movie in Yeaman before ya’ll in Rest-of-the-World. Here’s the peroxide proof of that.

Ramblings: Pretty Normal Activity

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk on your annual camping trip? Instead of grilling the burgers yourself on the fire, you decide to try fast food for a change so you eat your burgers around the fire and sip your beer and commence the horror story telling but the tales taste as stale as the rehash you swallow with your flat beer because it never really gets cold enough in a cooler. The stories, like the beer, aren’t bad and the scare, like the fare, are predictable variations of the same urban legends with some fun twists on your nads and suspense to keep you awake but if you’re looking to be startled by something truly new, you’d be better served by another franchise. Still at the end of the day when you’re peeing on the fire, you go to bed and the beer burps bring up the burger aftertaste and you realize you’re satisfied because you got what you expected, if nothing more. That burp is what Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones smacks of.

You know me, and if you don’t just hold it against me, i’m all kinds of specialist on Paranormal Activity because we always get them first in Yeaman.

For those of you who need a cheat sheet, here’s a summary of all the Paranormals up until this point.

Paranormal Activity 1: (October 2006) Micah and Katie are harassed by a demon and record it on a digital camera.
Paranormal Activity 2: (Prequel: September 2006) Kristi (Katie’s younger sister), her husband and her hot step daughter are bugged by the same demon and record it on digital home security cameras.
Paranormal Activity 3: (Pre-prequel: 1998) Kristi and Katie are little girls and are stalked by a demon and their stepdad records it on videocassette camera.
Paranormal Activity 4: (Sequel: November 2011) A blonde teen is tormented by an evil Ben with hormones, but also an evil spirit and the neighbor kid from across the street. Her adventures are mostly recorded on webcams and an Xbox.
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones: (Post September 2006): The film is set after Ali (Molly Ephraim) loses her dad and step mother (Kristi) in PA2 and includes an alternate take of Katie killing Micah (PA1). An 18 year old Hispanic guy named Jesse realizes too late he’s been marked since birth for demon possession. The filming is done with a video camera he buys with his graduation money.

Interestingly or not, this movie technically isn’t Paranormal Activity 5. PA5 is supposed to come out in October, but Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones is a spin-off for the Latino crowd, and why the fuck not. There may be some special guest appearances by Molly Ephraim who’s back from Paranormal Activity 2 for one scene, and the iniminimintable Katie Featherston who has some cameos as well, but basically this is an all new branch of the franchise.

i’m not going to give away anything about the story because i hate it when people do that, but i’ll tell you what you need to know which is Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (which is a long fucking title i’ll never type again) delivers what you ordered and feeds you the crap you expected.

You got the found footage feel (evn if they don’t thank the families and the police in this one like they did in some of the others), you have the talented unknown actors (like Andrew Jacobs does a good job as Jesse, the possessed teen, and very beautiful Latina actresses (Catherine Toribio and Gabrielle Walsh to name but a two) who are talented and just your type if you’re into “very beautiful”. You also have the building of fake startle moments into real startle moments and even a Simon Says game as a modern ouija board / devil’s condom (or whatever the word is that means ‘conduit’).

The new & improved parts come in the fact that the action takes place outside and in many different locations around the city and not just in a couple of rooms. Plus, there’s more action and less heating up slowly to a slow burn like in the earlier ones.

This movie is like the James Bond series, it has women in it. Also, if you like the others in the series, you’ll like this one too.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

Another first for PA:TMO is that they had full frontal female nudity of a hot brunette. Sure, we saw it through a video camera filming a TV screen receiving a signal from a GoPro camera, but it was better than nothing and certainly much better than the sight of an older and heavier naked woman painting the triangle/circle symbol on the hot woman’s stomach.

Apart from that, like i already said, they had Molly Ephraim as Ali again and remember how much i drooled after her in my review of Paranormal Activity 2? This film proves me right, though her screen time unfortunately was next to nothing. Like what she’s wearing here.

Molly Ephraim Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for the wallpaper

There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers, at the bottom. All you gotta do is scroll all the way down.

Silken Butterflies

The rest of the hotness took place with the Silken Butterflies, who are those wonderful actresses whose screen time was the opposite of how talented they are.

One of the hottest was the lovely Catherine Toribio, who played Penelope, a party girl who wants to get freaky with Jesse until the freaky shit starts. Fortunately, before that there’s a scene where she’s crawling around on her hands and knees in her bra, you get the picture, lucky you.

One of the other principle actresses was Gabrielle Walsh, who plays Marisol (Jesse’s best girl friend). She did such a good job with the acting thing that i almost forgot she looks this good.

The other minor roles weren’t all that much more minor either, especially when you realize they were nailed by actresses like Noemi Gonzalez, who was Jesse’s sister, Evette.

There was also the extremely lovely Wallis Barton who was so killer as “Captive Girl” you’d think she liked it.

There was a surplus of shots of her online, so i stuffed a couple of them in my drawers. Down there.

PA:TMO also saw the big screen debut (probably) of  Gigi Feshold as Penelope’s friend, Natalia. At least i’m pretty sure that’s who it was and it’s not like you’re reading this anyway. Speaking of “pretty”:

Finally, i’m saving my favorite for last. She played “Coven Witch” but she’s also a famous stunt woman and her names is Crystal Santos. How cool is that? A stunt woman/actress named Crystal who looks like this:

Told you she was hot, bitches.There’s more shots of her in my drawers as well.

Drink: 2½ Shots

Not a lot to go on here in terms of drinking being crucial to the story, but there was still some gratuitous drinking which means “free” so here’s my notes on the “free drinking” which is what everyone loves to hear their bartender say.

• 40′s and probably a keg @ a graduation party
• Shots of tequila with grandma
• Beer [while] playing Simon Says
• Cute Latinas drinking beer at party

Molly Ephraim in the Bar None

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

There was no rock and roll music that I was able to discern so all the points here go towards the action. There was 3 star’s worth because they had some surprise events like bodies falling out of the sky and car accidents out of nowhere.

At the beginning they had some fake “cat jumping out of the closet” type stuff but later on the real suspense was real enough. Another cool thing about suspense movies is that you can take a date to them and she (or he, depending) will get scared and cuddle up next to you but there’s no hardcore violence to freak them out so they don’t want to do other hardcore shit later back at the house.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Christopher Landon

Directed by: Christopher Landon

Starring

Gabrielle Walsh – Marisol
Catherine Toribio – Penelope
Molly Ephraim – Ali
Noemi Gonzalez – Evette
Wallis Barton – Captive Girl
Gigi Feshold – Natalia
Crystal Santos – Coven Witch
Andrew Jacobs – Jesse

Bottom Line

There’s a reason they use the word “franchise” with both fast food and movies. PA:TMO is like McDonalds, nothing special but you know what you’re going to get when you go there, which is not at all a bad thing if you like McDonalds.

Another Round

The Rod’s brilliant review of the first one

Saint Pauly’s hilarious look at Evil Dead reboot

Booze Revooze of Scream 4, speaking of franchises

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review ends here. Keep going only if you want to see how photogenic the actresses are in PA:TMO

Molly Ephraim

Wallis Barton

Crystal Santos

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Sometimes your battles lose you

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Pearl Jam – Release

[Press 'Play' for what the movie was shooting for but missed]

Ramblings: Out of the Furnace leaves me cold

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk in a public toilet? Not one of the nice ones in a fancy rest area but in one of those parks where the grass won’t grow because the ground is dead and the playground equipment is either broken or rusted away and anyway the only kids there are in their 20s and are busy dealing or dropping out. The toilet stalls don’t have doors and the floor is constantly damp where it’s not wet and the odor of pee is as permanent as the brown stains at the bottom of the sinks and toilet paper blocks the back of the bowl so you can’t see whatever is dead or dying at the bottom but it doesn’t stop the smell from permeating your clothes on its way to live in your nose. You have one of those bad buzzes that takes you straight from sober to sick without the detour to drunk and you find yourself ill before your time so you go to puke in the toilet and the shit already in the bowl makes your sicker so you puke more and the smell hits you and it’s a perfect shit storm until finally the only thing you end up heaving is sour spit and you reach for some paper to wipe your face but the roll is empty so you slip and hit your head on the porcelain before landing in the dregs of the person who went there before you. That’s how Out of the Furnace will make you feel.

Going home after trying to catch a train – and missing it

Look, i ‘m not going to spend a whole lot of time telling you about how this movie sucked especially when it didn’t. The actors were good, so good that even Willem Dafoe brought his A game and we get to watch Casey Affleck prove he’ll be an actor one day, hopefully in time to do a remake of Gone, Baby Gone where he can play the same role only as someone more talented.

And while we’re on the actors and i know a couple of y’all would like to be, shut up talking about Christian Bale because he’s not bad but he’s no Woody Harrelson who fuckin’ rocked this movie as hill folk Harlan DeGroat. His performance here was amazing yet not quite but almost enough to make me forgive his hair piece in Hunger Games.

Changing his mind about playing Choo Choo Train

And the director directed shit and there were the things you expect when you watch a movie, like not too many boring parts were here and the script was full of things like good words and people doing shit you would do and shit. Plus, the Zoe/Christian bridge scene was fucking brilliant and would win an Oscar for best scene if there was such a thing.

If everything was so cool, why did i fucking hate this movie? i’ll tell you, it’s because it was depressing as fuck. The film was like a date with me, it started off in a bad place and only kept going downhill to the point that everybody is looking at their watches before looking for the back door. Yes, it was a well made movie, but who wants to see perfect desperation happening to people you don’t give a shit about? Is a 2-hour movie about torture a good movie if it’s technically well made? You know what, i don’t care. When I spend 2 hours in the dark, i want to have more fun than i had here. This isn’t Europe after all.

Had too many fish sticks

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Only one woman in this whole fucking thing if you don’t count Peggy (i think her name was Peggy) the cashier at the bar and Brenna Lee Roth as a meth addict,vulnerable and plain, the type i always end up falling for.

The woman in the movie, though, was Zoe Saldana and i don’t think i’ve ever seen her look so good as she did in here. The only thing wrong with her performance was that it was too fucking short.

Here’s what Zoe looks like when she’s out of the furnace and super cold.

Zoe Saldana Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

There’s gobs more shots of her in my drawers, just scroll all the way down to the bottom.

Silken Butterflies

As mentioned, the beautiful Brenna Lee Roth (who i already spotted in The Road) was in Out of the Furnace for a second, and it was one of the best seconds of the film because she looks and acts this good.

Brenna Lee Roth in the Bar None

Drink: 3 Shots

Those of you who hang out here regularly know that i rarely give this many shots for booze in a movie and so this was kind of special. Not just because there was a lot of it to be seen, but because it played an important role in the film. Here’s what the blue by blow off that turned out to look like.

• Woody Harrelson pounding vodka from the bottle and kicking the shit out of people in a drive-in
• Willem gives Christian a whiskey from a bottle he initially refuses and they drink a silent toast
• Pivotal moment is a drunk driving accident
• Casey drinking shots of something and Christian drinking beer the night he gets out of jail
• Christian Bale drinking beer on the front porch
• Casey drinks a beer after jogging
• Woody with vodka shots while he sizes up Casey
• Woody drinking moonshine from a mason jar

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

The film open and closes with the same song: Pearl Jam’s “Release”, which i like but is the only real music in this film that isn’t background incidental music. As far as the action, well, there was that kind of back alley boxing where people don’t wear gloves and fight until someone goes into a coma. There’s some gun play and a kind of exciting-esque scene towards the end but nothing really we’d call rock & roll.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Brad Ingelsby and Scott Cooper

Directed by: Scott Cooper

Starring

Zoe Saldana – Lena Taylor
Brenna Roth – Meth Girl
Christian Bale – Russell Baze
Woody Harrelson – Harlan DeGroat
Casey Affleck – Rodney Baze Jr.
Sam Shepard – Gerald ‘Red’ Baze
Willem Dafoe – John Petty
Forest Whitaker – Chief Wesley Barnes

Bottom Line

Don’t watch this if you like to like movies.

Another Round

Saint Pauly’s most controversial review and i can’t believe he writes anything controversial compared to my shit but read the comments if you don’t believe me.

WTF review of Winter’s Bone

Fernby Film’s review of another Christian Bale movie

Booze Revooze of Mud

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Enough about me, what about Zoe? Note, the photos are pretty pretty and pretty NSFW. You’ve been warned.

Zoe Saldana in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Normally, i’d be all about posting screen shots of the film to prove i was there, but i got in an argument with the unemployed guy who sat beside me (in Yeaman, the unemployed get a discount for movies) over my eating candy and popcorn. As i didn’t want to risk getting my ass tossed taking screenshots with my phone, you’re going to have to settle for a picture of the ticket stub.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Clash- I Fought the Law

[Press 'Play' for a song that doesn't make much sense for this film]

“Hey you, motherfucker eating popcorn in the front row!”

Ramblings: RoboCop Out

Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a sex doll? Sure, she’s lots of fun and looks good on the surface and she’ll make you feel good but she doesn’t really have a heart and you know you won’t remember her after you leave her behind because she didn’t mean anything special to you. You drink your drinks but the fuck puppet isn’t having any so you feel a little cut off from the whole thing as you struggle to get into it and keep it up because your spirit is willing but your willy is weak so you just lie there, pushing rope, not having an unpleasant time because it’s sex and drink after all but still you can’t help wondering how long it will be until true love comes again. RoboCop is that sex doll.

“It’ll feel like someone else’s hand, you lucky bastard.”

When i heard a while back that they were going to remake RoboCop, i was pretty psyched. The movie seemed like a perfect candidate for a retooling. It has a good story, potential for action, places for special effects… i was looking forward to opening this puppy up and giving him a test drive. Unfortunately, this RoboCop has a few kinks (and not the good kind), some bugs and acts a little rusty. The problem with a remake is that it’s like sleeping with twins, you’re going to end up comparing them. This RoboCop doesn’t measure up because it’s the shallow twin: the one with no soul. Not the RoboCop dude himself, but the movie. Beta RoboCop (1987) was directed by Verhoeven and his strong points are making movies like Good and Plenty candy. They got the chewy licorice center of political satire hidden deep inside candy coated kitsch. He knows how to package this junk and whenever he hesitates between two choices, he chooses the one that goes farthest over the top.

Speedbump of the future

This RoboCop is a straightforward action film with none of the fun, which is cool, not everyone can be likable (look at me) but then it should kick ass in other parts. Like The Dark Knight wasn’t a fun movie, but made up for this with credible script, non stop action, a cool look, deeply personal themes and a villain that redefined villains. RoboCop tries for all of this but cannot make the leap so falls short in almost every aspect. The script is thin, the action is cliché, and the look was polished but not stylish, like a generic cell phone case that’s overpriced and doesn’t fit the IPod you have anyway. Plus, our villains are a money grabbing Mr Mom at the head of a big bad Corporation and Samuel L Jackson, who is a conservative talk show host on a Fox-type network that only shows infomercials for high-end weaponry.

“You were in Batman, too? No shit?”

The one thing i liked in version 2 was that more attention was paid to RoboCop’s internal wiring. In the original, RoboCop had moments of consciousness stuck inside the suit and sitting under a plastic sheet on the lab floor, but there are no tests run on him and we get no real feeling about his mental workings. This RoboCop performs much better in these aspects, and while it’s almost too much at times, it certainly is better than not enough. Finally, you know me and if you don’t i’m the exception that breaks the rule, i’ll say what other critics are afraid to say and here’s the ugly truth about Joel Kinnaman playing RoboCop. Inside the suit, he looks like a giant penis in a condom. He walks around like an upright cock with his circumcised head exposed and is the spitting image of a Durex advertisement. It’s so ri-dick-ulous it’s distracting.

“Looking at you reminds me of your circumcision.”

Basically, RoboCop works but looks clunky, runs but never hits its stride. At least the director kept the drug factory from the first one. (Here’s a GIF from Saint Pauly’s review).

Have some Coke and a smile

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

 Like a pre-teen with a Playboy bunny, José Padilha had his hands full of beauty, but didn’t know what to do with it. i’m sure he’s some famous foreign director because he’s so good at choosing women for his movies, but he’s not modern enough to give them some meat to their roles or cleavage to their necklines.

The exquisite Maura Grierson

As Murphy’s wife, Mrs Murphy, there’s the gorgeous Abbie Cornish, who i’ve exposéed before. In RoboCop  there’s a scene where she’s in her bra, making out with her husband on top of the sheets but you’ll see more action watching alcoholics in corner booths. Abbie Cornish who is not a hen but is a chick and here’s the proof of that.

Abbie Cornish Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s some single shots of Abbie in my drawers down below. Just scroll down til you hit the dirt. Before that, though, there is the amazing Aimee Garcia who we all fell in love with when she played Harrison’s nanny in Dexter. Maybe you fell in love with her first in Jag, and if you did, RoboCop may just well be the movie for you. Aimee played a lab tech in this movie so her white coat hides all of this.

Aimee Garcia Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

And there’s shots of her down in my drawers as well. Silken Butterflies Let me just say here that the director (José Padilha) is  Like the first woman we see right at the beginning of the movie is a super hot journalist doing a live broadcast in Iran. This lovely young lady is as talented as she is hot and very cool on top of it all. This i know because her name is Maura Grierson and she was cool enough to do a Booze Talkin’ interview for the Bar None that i’ll be posting faster than a horny rabbit on a conjugal visit.

Wrapping this up is the stellar Melanie Scrofano, who plays the guitarist with the mechanical hand’s wife. Or maybe something shorter but does it really matter when at the end of the day she looks like this, and i bet at other times of the day as well.

Melanie Scrofano Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Drink: 1 Shot

Not a lot of drinking to be found here, and what they had was pretty incidental, so if they’re going to do the bare minimum, so will i. Still, here’s the blow by blow:

• Vallon drinks whisky with dirty cops
• Murphy’s wide gives him a beer at home when he’s sad
• Beer at picnic in his robot dream

Rush Limblack

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

Not bad, though if you want my opinion (and if you don’t you should probably stop fucking reading this), the rock and roll in this movie was like my sex life, there was a lot going on but not much you’d necessarily want to watch.

• The best action scene was the first one, a fire fight between terrorists and cool robots in Iran
• Shoot out at a restaurant between Murphy and his partner and machine gun wielding baddies
• Yodel rock during test [phase] montage
• RoboCop at Vallon’s [lair] shootout, nothing new
• Shootout against Omni Corp [robots] good FX but standard fight
• Punk version [by The Clash] of “I Fought the Law” to roll credits by

Boring Technical Crap

The Agents of Panty S.H.I.E.L.D.

Written by:

Joshua Zetumer – screenplay
Edward Neumeier & Michael Miner – 1987 screenplay

Directed by: José Padilha

Starring

Maura Grierson – Kelly
Abbie Cornish – Clara Murphy
Aimee Garcia – Jae Kim
Melanie Scrofano – Wife of Man with Prosthetics
Joel Kinnaman – Alex Murphy / RoboCop
Gary Oldman – Dr. Dennett Norton
Michael Keaton – Raymond Sellars
Samuel L. Jackson – Pat Novak

Bottom Line

Someone should make a movie with the heart of the first one in the special effects of the second one. Rather ‘should have made’ because i don’t think we have another RoboCop remake in us. He’s not Superman, after all.

Another Round

WTF!? Review of RoboCop (1987)

The Rod’s review of a Veerhoven (or whatever) movie

Booze Revooze of another man in a suit movie

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Shutting down the hilarity to make room for the titillation. All that comes from here on out is pretty much NSFW.

Abbie Cornish

Abbie Cornish in the Bar None

Abbie Cornish in the Bar None

Aimee Garcia

Aimee Garcia 09 in the Bar None

Melanie Scrofano

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Once again Yeaman received a film before the rest of the world and sometimes it’s a blessing but sometimes it’s like what you say when you wake up before 7 with a hangover and stub your toe on the toilet and pee your pants: a curse. i know y’all don’t believe me but that’s cool, i don’t believe me either, so here’s the repository proof.

Ramblings: More Hot Air

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk on the Titanic? There’s tons of activities to do but nothing all that new because shuffleboard on a boat is like shuffleboard not on a boat and the novelty wears off faster than you can finish your bottle of beer so it encourages you to drink faster but even the beer goggles don’t hide the sight you see that your trip is a series of romances and fights that are absolutely no different than the romances and fights you have when you’re not on a sinking boat. Of course the ending of a binge on the Titanic is traumatic but after the boredom leading up to the disaster you’re glad for the excitement the shipwreck will bring. That’s what Pompeii is like.

Fire Works

All you need to know about this flick is the pitch the producers threw up on the studio: Pompeii is Gladiator meets Titanic for kids too young to remember either. They should have named this Gladick.

The first thing i thought when i sat down in my seat in the front row was if my homeless nemesis was going to sit down next to me. He didn’t. So the next thing i thought was, are they going to do the eruption at the beginning or the end of the movie and, if it’s at the end, what are they gonna do for the first hour?

“How you doin’?”

Y’all are too young to remember but in the 1970s disaster movies were a big thing. The Towering Inferno, The Poseidon Adventure, Earthquake… were awesome because they started out with 10 brief minutes of exposition to introduce the characters and then the action would kick in high gear, starting with a nice display of disaster and then the heroes suffering through it and the aftermath. That’s a fucking movie right there and Pompeii would’ve been a hell of a lot better if that was the route it had taken.

“There goes the neighborhood.”

But no. They decided to save the eruption for the end and guess what, it wasn’t much of a surprise ending because we know what the fuck was coming from the beginning by looking at the poster. What they decided to fill it with was a poor slave gladiator who fights his way through the ranks and impresses a rich benefactor who takes him to Pompeii, where the poor slave falls in love with a rich young woman. Imagine Gladiator takes a trip on the Titanic and you’ve written this movie.

Still, it’s easy enough for me to be hard on this movie as i’m nowhere near it’s target market. Pompeii is looking to spew on teens and not on those of us who enjoy movies.

Hot Piece of Ash

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 shots

“Here comes the lava, but you first.”

You know what kind of sex we had? One kiss. Swear to god, there was only one kiss and, like everything else even remotely interesting about this film, it’s on the fucking poster.

• Mother [Rebecca Eady as Milo's Mother] killed at the beginning [and is hot]
• Browning’s assistant [Jessica Lucas as Ariadne] [is hot]

Drink: 0 shots

“Soon we’ll be doing chalice stands and goose lip self portraits!”

It’s the Vinalia, Milady. The streets are blocked with drunkards.

• Wine in goblets at festival
• Kiefer Stherland Senator wants to drink wine to seal the deal [with Cassia / Emily Browning's father]

Terrible waste of good wine.

Cool black gladiator cleans Milo’s wounds with wine

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

The music was almost as unremarkable as the the action. The action they did have was a lot of gladiator fights and i was too lazy to note every one of them in my notes, so what follows is a brief summary. Still, might as well say it here, the CGI was super well done and was probably the best part of the film.

Swinging in the Rain

• Short battle against rebels
• A short gladiator battle
• Slave fights are the hobo fights of 65 AD
• Long battle in arena
• Volcano eruption lasts last 20 minutes

Boring Technical Crap

When the shit hits the fan

Written by:

Janet Scott Batchler
Lee Batchler
Julian Fellowes
Michael Robert Johnson

Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson

Starring

Emily Browning – Cassia
Carrie-Anne Moss – Aurelia
Jessica Lucas – Ariadne
Rebecca Eady – Milo’s Mother
Kit Harington – Milo
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje – Atticus
Kiefer Sutherland – Corvus

Bottom Line

Playing “hot lava” in the living room is more fun.

“Let’s exchange dresses later on.”

How “Dark Ages” got the name

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

You know how i saw RoboCop before any of y’all did because it came out 2 days early here compared to the States? Well, we could weigh the pro and cons of this until the cows come home and ask us what we’re doing trying to place theoretical concepts on a bathroom scale but i think all of us can agree–cows included–that the real reason everyone is jealous of me is that i got to discover Maura Grierson 2 days before the rest of the world and that means i’m 2 days ahead in the Maura appreciation department. Not only did i discover her first, i also got to interview her about her role as the journalist in RoboCop and tons of other stuff at least as interesting. Read on, if you don’t believe me…

It was the craziest thing, I was sitting in the back of a limousine, sipping gulps from a real glass on my way to accept the Global Award for Sarcastic Humor to acknowledge my generous contributions to the universe of the Internets. i won’t lie, the G.A.S.H. i was about to get excited me and i wondered what it would look like and how it would feel and if i would polish it as often as i did my knob (the brass one that matches my balls). Just when i was trying to decide what to do with the G.A.S.H. when i got it home, the limo stopped so suddenly i sloshed my virgin Grey Goose and coke. The back door flew open and in slid what will momentarily come to be known as the new standard for universal beauty.

This incredible blonde reached for my knob (the plastic one on the radio) and turned up Arcade Fire’s “Reflektor”, ’cause she’s all about the radio. As a matter of fact, i of course recognized Maura Grierson right away from all the radio work she does. 

“Maura Grierson! Famous sexy woman and funny girl! Wow, they really bent their backs overboard for this thing. Imagine, me being interviewed by Maura Grierson!”

“Oh Al,” she said with that way she has, you know that way, the one that says it all in only two words, “you were sent to interview me, you sad, egotistical, teetotaling son of a beach bum. ”

Al K Hall: Damn, i guess that means no GASH for me tonight. Once again, i’ll come home empty handed, so to speak. But enough about my hand, this interview is all about the ‘Maura’. Speaking of, did your parents name you ‘Maura’ because “That’s less for you and Maura for me?” Or wait, “The Maura the better,” right?

Maura Grierson: [She shot me that look she has--you know the one--the one that says, "shut up".] “Maura” is Gaelic for “Mary”. But alas, “Maura” easily gets mistaken for “Moira” or “Laura”.

Al K Hall: Maybe you should work on getting a fresh name?

Maura: When I’m feeling particularly fresh I go by ‘Mo G’, but only a select few know this.

Al K Hall: Got it. You can trust me, i’ll keep that secret to my grave. Like your address.

Maura: I live in Toronto now, but was born in Guelph.

Al K Hall: Whoa, was that a wet burp or are you just happy to taste that drink again? “Guelph” sounds really freaking Canadian, though. Like what’s something super Canadian about you?

Maura: I went to university in Montreal and it was there that I learned overalls shouldn’t be worn to the bar. Funny, overalls are now back in style… so looks like I wasn’t so off point.

Al K Hall: Like you could ever be off point about anything. As far as setting fashion trends, how do the cool kids like you get their kicks?

Maura: I usually play with Jerry for a bit.

Al K Hall: And Jerry’s what you call your…

Maura: Jerry’s my new kitten.

Al K Hall: That’s what i meant, but what about the hard partying life of a rock and roll queen?

Maura: I get up super early for my radio gig so I’m a bit of a nerd weeknights. I like to be in bed by 9:30. Weekend evenings must involve food with friends, then I’m happy.

[Press 'Play' for "Happy", by Pharrell Williams, a song Maura herself requested from the Juiced-box]

Al K Hall: Yeah, “happy”. i bet you are. What’s something you do when you get a get a few bottles’ worth of “happy”?

Maura: I can balance a pint full of beer on my head for as long as you ask me to.

Al K Hall: Better be careful, i can ask people to do stuff for a long time. Is beer the secret to your amazing sense of humor?

Maura: I’m the baby of a 5-kid family. We were loud at dinner tables and verbal abuse was encouraged and considered hilarious the harsher it got. I steal most of my material from my older brothers who are the funniest people I’ve ever met.

Al K Hall: Yeah, but looks aren’t everything. While we’re on the subject of looks, i’d love to see more of your sparkly pants dance like in your “Showhouse Showdown” clip on YouTube. Where would a guy be able to find something like that?

Maura: Oh yes! Check out this  for a break-dancing vignette entitled ‘Maura Grierson Break Dancing’ and thank me later.

Al K Hall: Hell, i’ll thank you now and avoid the rush. That was crazy good, emphasis on the ‘crazy’. How’d you get a start in the break dancing radio business?

Maura: I have always known I wanted to be a performer. As long as I’m on the mic, or in front of a camera I’m happy.

Al K Hall: Which is cooler, the mic or the camera?

Maura:  In radio, you can show up in whatever outfit you want, with no make-up and crazy hair and still put on a great show. In film and TV there are all those extra hours just getting ready to look the part before you even begin to do the work. But I love it all.

Maura Grierson with Lady Gaga

Al K Hall: You host the show Battle of the Blades which as near as i can tell is like a Dancing with Stars on ice skates because it’s Canadian. Don’t you freeze your balls off? Metaphorically?

Maura: I got to be a part of Season 3 of BOTB. I was a competitive figure skater for most of my life and often wondered when I moved on from the sport if I’d ever use what I learned on the ice. When the opportunity came along to work on Battle of the Blades, it seemed like the perfect combination of all of my skill sets. It was awesome to be on the ice again.

Al K hall: That explains so much about your moves. And how you have the poise for the beer on the head thing. Was skating hard?

Maura: 6 am practices 6 days a week for most of my life!

Al K Hall: Jesus, sounds like you’ll take any job as long as you can wake up early in the morning. Were you an early bird to get the worm in RoboCop? If memory serves, your first scene is also the first in the film. You’re a reporter on the scene in Iran with Samuel L Jackson in ‘the studio’. So the shoot was like a real life Argo, i bet.

Maura Grierson in RoboCop

Maura: The scene in Iran was actually shot on a huge outdoor set in Toronto.

Al K Hall: No! Next you’re gonna say the presentation of RoboCop to the public wasn’t filmed in Detroit…

Maura Grierson still in RoboCop

Maura: The Mayor’s presentation of RoboCop was shot at a building at the University of Toronto. They flew me to Vancouver as well for a few scenes.

Al K Hall: You jet setter, you. But the booze, babe: was there a wrap party?

Maura: Yes, there was a wrap party! But I was on my best behavior.

Al K Hall: Wow, what’s that like? ‘Course i’m internationally unknown for being on my best misbehavior, so to each his own, i guess. Obviously, you know how to act in all situations, so if a casting agent or director or whatever is reading this, what’s the best way to contact you?

Maura: MauraGrierson.com

A lucky fan @the Toronto Beer Festival

Al K Hall: Now it’s time for the dreaded Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like my virginity: awkward but the trauma will fade with time. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Maura: Red wine.

Al K Hall: To match your eyes, right? No? OK, moving right along. When was the last time you had a hangover?

Maura: I’m pretty good at avoiding those these days, thank god!

Al K Hall: That’s what they all say, and then they wake up under an overpass with puke on the only shoe they have left. Oh wait, that was just me. Speaking of, what’s your favorite thing about me?

Maura: That you live in [Yeaman]! Great choice.

Al K Hall: Ah well, you know, you don’t choose Yeaman, Yeaman chooses you.

Just at that precise moment, the limo pulled to a complete stop in front of the red carpet. i tried to get out and walk it with Maura but cops were on me faster than penicillin on syphilis, so you’re going to have to be satisfied in knowing that from here Maura went on to become the international superstar that stole our hearts. 

That ends the entertainment portion of our show. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, this whole exchange in the limo never really took place because i never really met Maura face to face. The entire interview was done through e-mail, and while i rearranged and reworked my questions, her answers remain untouched and exactly as she sent them to me.

i owe a big debt of gratitude (which is all i can afford) to Maura for taking the time out of her busy schedule to do this. She graciously accepted my request for an interview…which we knocked out in 2 days because she was pressed for time to get to the RoboCop World Premiere in Los Angeles. While i took my sweet time editing and blowing off, she made a huge effort to entertain us here at the Bar None, so y’all should be grovelling, too. Thanks Maura, for rocking it the hard way.

Signing off, here’s another of the songs she chose from the juiced-box: Souls Of Mischief – From 93 Till Infinity

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.